Blog entry for:

in the first place, i move towards insuring i do not cause further damage in the future. well i am not about to be farting any daisies any time soon. if you came for the cheerleader today, you may be a bit disappointed. the good news is: that i see where i am and where i could be going, and best of all i know the path i NEED to take to get there, the STEPS!
yesterday a sponsee, who i have to pay to talk to on the phone, told me that i had attitude when dealing with him the last three times he went back to jail. as much as i hate to say he is right, he is correct in this regard, i certainly have attitude, because he keeps going back, all because he will not stop using. i am frustrated, i am bitter and i am burned out. nothing i say or do seems to matter, he uses and always ends up back behind bars. what he does not get, is that i have come to the point where i feel i certainly have invested more in his recovery than he has, or ever will, based on his past experience. the facts are, that his periods of abstinence are getting shorter, what recovery he does manage to get during those times, is getting less likely to carry him through his bad times, and he pouts and throws temper tantrums, when i cannot say poor, poor boy, you will do better next time.
dump de dump dump…
so where does making amends, indirect or otherwise apply here? my part of course. i have enabled him in the past to believe that i will be there no matter what, as i have been and the process of detaching from that tacit approval actually began three returns to jail ago. i am learning from my past mistakes and as i detach more and more, the frustration level, his and mine both grow. his because i am not the kind and loving sucker for his sob story, that i once was. his because i grow up i see the rule of diminishing returns setting in and as it does the level of HOPE i have decreases as well. the further down into this i dive, the more i see how as i grow healthier in my side of the relationship, he will either come to accept the new regime or not, for once in this relationship, this is all about me. the next time i speak to him, i am sure “whatever” will be said by me more than once and i will really mean it. whatever happens to his stuff and whatever happens in the disposition of his case, IS NOT MY STUFF and really does not affect my life in any manner of consequence. i will still go to work. i will still come home to my home and my significant other and most importantly i will not use, because he goes to prison or not. as i grow up into that attitude and get past whether or not he likes me and wants to be my friend, or not, i start to get just a bit more healthy and ready to stand up for what i believe: namely that an addict, ANY addict can stop using, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live.
anyhow, with that said and the morning growing late, i will head of to shower, shave and head west to work. i know that staying the course on this path will be one of the toughest things i can do, the rewards, a healthier me, is worth the pain of getting there.

∞ DT ∞