Blog entry for:

after i repair the damage i have done, i seek to repair my broken attitudes as well -- i become willing to **mend my ways.** i am at this a bit later than planned but earlier than yesterday, it has been helluva a week so far, and my plan is to run this morning then go hide out in a dark, smoke-filled room so i can catch-up with some other projects that have been languishing as i deal with the fire from my most recalcitrant client has saddled me with this week.
all of that is reality, but what does that have to do with amends, and the amends process? a bit of history so as i continue things will become clearer. the only am,ends on my list during my last trip through the steps was to myself. that does not mean my list is by any means empty, or that i have been changed enough to not be adding new names and deeds to that list, it just happened in that slice of time, the only new amends i owed was to me. so working 10 or 12 hours is hardly taking care of myself, and my amends to me, was that i was going to change my behavior, to allow myself time for fun and not end up against deadlines again because i rebelled against working and ended up blowing off work to play a silly computer game, as that is the behavior that got me in the most trouble. balancing home, personal, service, work and recovery time is how i have decided to make part of the amends to me. so working long hours doing the same stuff over and over again and getting no better results, flies in the face of treating myself better. the solution to the fire i have before me, eludes me, and yet i spent hours yesterday repeating the same steps over and over and over again, hoping for different results, and beating myself up for not being able to get the problem to resolve. my behavior has reverted back to what it was before i made my amends, hence the particular timeliness of this reading today.
my solution, is to suggest a work around, so i can walk away and let new ideas come into my head. i have done that, and am ready to hit the road this morning, as it is a running day. all i need to remember is that i did not get broke in a day, so i will more than likely not get fixed in a day. treating myself with a bit of kindness, walking away from frustration and allowing my head to clear before returning to the problem, is how i am changing my behavior today. all of this and so much more, is what today promises me, all i have to do i let it happen. so it is off to the streets i go, with a song in my head and the desire to fulfill my indirect amends to myself in my heart. it is a good day to be in recovery.

∞ DT ∞