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alas, being one that always is looking for the loophole, this may seem to be the biggest one yet! after all, this whole to the best of my ability gig, is purposefully vague, extremely subjective and subject to all sorts of manipulation through interpretation. i am certain that i am not the first addict in recovery that has noticed this,l or even the first to actually comment on it, but this morning i do not care about what may or may not have been said before, because right here and right now it is on my mind.
i find it extraordinary that i could have lived so much of my life in a fog. before i used, wishing i was someone, anyone, else and fantasying about a life that i did not have, basically wishing away the present tense.when i was using, the chemistry of my mind clouded by the substances, prevented me from being present for my life, so i chemically removed that part of my life from the present tense. when it took another five years of clean time to actually get over that inertia, i was amazed about how much of my life i had missed. while this seems a better run-up for the reading a few days ago about living in the moment, where i am going with this, is about to be revealed.
the only new NINTH STEP amends on my last list was a repeat engagement, namely myself. as i sit here this morning, i am finally coming to see the damage i did to myself, before i started using, during active addiction and yes even in early recovery, by not being a part of my life and being present for what is and was going on. not that i am surprised by this revelation, as i always KNEW what i was doing, in a sense, what i am struck by, is that i am actually consciously thinking about this today.
to tie it back to the reading this morning, knowing this, understanding this, how do i start to make my amends for this specific behavior? the indirect part is quite simple, i consciously choose to learn how to be present for what is going on inside and outside of me. i have been doing this, for a bit of time, every since my sponse suggested i attempt to do so, in what seems like forever ago. with that in place, how do i “pay myself back” for all those lost moments? that is quite a point, no more salient than how do i repair the damage that i did to myself by participating in unhealthy relationships, unsafe use of the world around me, and sex and the list goes on and on. the answer is, i CANNOT pay back that damage, as the toll is far more than financial, and time lost is time that can never be recovered. in this instance, it is ONLY through changing my current conscious behaviors that i can ever get to HOPE that i can be more. following that line of reasoning, if i CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE to alter my behavior, my unconscious, autonomic reactions to the world around me should also change, morphing me into the man i have always dreamed of being. a cognitive as well as a behavioral approach to becoming a better version of me, i am sure a mental health professional could have a field day with that. be that as it may, it i what i feel this whole recovery process is for me: thinking my way to better behavior, behaving my way into better thinking and being present for the feedback cycle those two actions create.
so what i guess i am saying, is that choosing to be a part of my active recovery program, is MAKING this particular amends to myself, DIRECTLY and INDIRECTLY, and i need not rationalize away my fears by saying that this process does not happen overnight, that is a given. when i hear myself saying that or stuff like “after all i am only an addict,” or the ever popular “ my disease MADE me do…” i know that i am CHOOSING NOT TO MAKE THIS AMEND.
i need to move on with my day, and i could end this with i will resolve to, but i find that resolving and promising anything is setting myself up for failure, which quite neatly brings me back to my whole premise: “ to the best of my ability” gig. right now, i am present for what is going on inside of me, which is a burning desire to get out running. right now i am present for what is going on outside of me, the morning is sunny band calm and if i wait for another 15 minutes or so, i can dress in my favorite set of running clothes. i also have a mistake i need to correct for one of my clients and the time that i can do that is finally approaching. all of this and a whole loot more, is a bunch to consciously consider before i decide what to do next. be that as it may, i am practicing being present and allowing myself to sense what i need to do in the here and now. i am not and will not be perfect at this, but i will not let my missteps prevent me from continuing to practice this in the here and now, and that my friends is what “to the best of my ability” means to me today.

∞ DT ∞