Blog entry for:

sorry does not cut it anymore for me or anyone in my life. i used up my shared of apologies when i was using, when i started trying to get clean, and in early recovery before i know any better. after all, what exactly is asking for forgiveness about if not an apology? well the reading makes that clear, amends are not apologies PERIOD! yes i may ask the injured party (or parties) for forgiveness as i am owning up to my part in the matter including taking responsibility for my behaviors and actions, none of that blaming it on being an addict shit here! and then doing my best to repair the damage i have done -- when it comes to physical stuff like breaking a window or punching a hole in a wall that is a piece of cake, it is the relationship stuff that is the most difficult to repair, even owing someone thousands of dollars is easier on my spirit because i can always start making weekly payments against that damage. no it is when i harm someone emotionally or mentally that presents this addict the greatest challenge. a case in point was my ex-wife, she refused to talk to me when i was doing my last ninth step and i took her refusal as anger, she was ashamed of her part in our brief but turbulent roller coaster ride and was unable to even go there yet. she since has called me and i have started the process of amending the harm i did to her all those years ago when i was really high at the time.
but i digress....
extending the example of my ex-wife, just because i was not allowed the opportunity to make direct amends to her, until recently, did not change the fact that there were some fundamental changes in my behavior, belief system, and attitudes that needed some serious modification. my sponsors have patiently guided me through the process of making my indirect amends by looking at what is really going on inside of me, and with that knowledge comes the ability to sometimes make changes to my behavior in the here and now. thinking my way to better behavior! and once i behave differently and continue to behave differently, i become a different person, more akin to the person my HIGHER POWER has always intended me to be, and as a result i have less amends to make at least in respect to the issues around which i am dealing with in this indirect amend -- behaving my way into better thinking. wot a cycle, but i am grateful it is working in my life today!

∞ DT ∞