Blog entry for:

changing my attitudes, and altering my behavior. in my interactions with the various members, i happen to run across as i walk through my recovery, i hear and see many things. some of them disturbing, some of them humorous, and some of them information that i am not quite sure what to do with after receiving it. when i came to the rooms, this was something i was not only good at, but could use to my advantage in my relationships with the world around me. information, particularly low-down dirt, was power for me, and it was power i exercised when i thought i needed to use it. so what d0oes that have to do, with the topic at hand? well i have heard a few things lately that i find disturbing and i am not quite sure what to do with it. my amends to myself and the world in general, consists on limiting the size of the wake i leave behind me. even speaking about this information to the person directly could have some repercussions that are damaging in and of themselves. so here i am stuck behind figuratively between and rock and a hard place. just to be clear, the information i received seems to confirm a snaky feeling i have had for quite some time and that makes it worse, as i am not sure how much i really trust that feeling.
there was once a time, when i felt less sure about who i was, and needed to boost what little esteem i held myself in, that i would have ran with this, and in fact, it probably is not a bad thing to take a bit of a break and actually run with this now, LITERALLY. so with that in mind, i will be back in about an hour after working out, and see where this happens to go.
well i am back and it is over two hours later. what did i hear when i ran? well to let go, if someone is being less than honest about their clean-time, it really does not affect me in the slightest. i can and will continue to support them, and if they are still using, and taking key-tags…
i did the same thing myself, so i know how it feels.
while running a couple more ideas came up, that are germane to this discussion, ironically they are once again about someone else and my part os whether or not i say something. it really does get a bit tiresome, to keep answering the same questions and providing the same information to the same person over and over again. it begins to arouse some strong feelings of whether are not i can trust them with my stuff, as they keep losing information. how reliable are they in the long run about stuff that i consider really important? once again, falling back on to how i was, it would have been a sign to all of those who trusted me with any of their stuff, that i was losing my integrity as well as becoming a flake. in those days, if i detected someone losing my stuff, i would have cut them off without an explanation and made sure everyone around us knew what a flake and how untrustworthy they had become. so the question today, than becomes, do i say something to them, in private, in front of others, or just walk away and let them wonder? in evaluating such a conundrum, what it really comes down to, is what is my relationship with them and what do i think i need to do, to prevent damage in my wake? what it finally came down to, is that i will let it go, speak to them privately at the next opportunity i get and allow the issue to die its natural death, in the graveyard of other stuff that is part of my mind. id i can bury the events of my early addiction for almost 40 years, this should be as the cliché goes: a piece of cake.
so time to do some work while enjoying a really big cigar, make some calls and remember amends means changing how i act as well as cleaning up the damage in my wake!

∞ DT ∞