Blog entry for:

i do not do well when my morning routine is altered in any way, and this morning was one of those days when my routine needed to change to accommodate the need of another. how i behaved after making the accommodation says a whole lot more about what i have been taught and internalized by my peers, than it says about me. two notion are running around my head:

1. why should i?
2. where is my reward?

the attitudes and behaviors that i brought with me to recovery, namely it is all about me and my desires and needs, are slow to change or be removed entirely. the HOPE here, is that i may have had that litany of self-centered concerns, but i did not act on them, save to whine a bit about them here. it is not the fact that i had to alter my routine that is “chapping my hide.” it is the fact that i “irked” me. after all, in the next moment i tell myself, I SHOULD BE BETTER THAN THAT, BY NOW! it cost me nothing to change and yet having to do so caused angst and anger.
by accepting that i am set in my ways, but capable of making a change or two, i GET to let go of the expectations i have for myself. as i work through the THIRD STEP, i am getting more and more clues that the person i resent is me, and i am quite tired of having to let go of my expectations and anger at what i did or did not do. time and again i see in others, what i do not like in myself and some of what i observe, are core values that i still hold. there goes then resentment train again, leaving on track number nine, hopefully the switch-man is not asleep.
back to the reading now that i have dealt with the top of my stack. what the reading calls indirect amends i call living amends because i learn to live in a manner that precludes having to make direct amends, by changing my behavior. in time the conscious choices i make to amend my behavior, change the way i think, hence the disappointment when making an accommodation, triggered the cascade of self-centered whining. 🤮 today, and just for today, as i step out into the real world and deal with my commute, i can allow myself the FREEDOM to feel what i feel. i can allow myself to be okay feeling what i feel. and most importantly i can let go of what i am feeling and not plot my revenge for being cut-off, yet again. society has become more and more uncivil, so i guess it is my job to be a bit more civil, with no expectation of a reward. a tough task, but just for today, i feel up for the challenge.

∞ DT ∞