Blog entry for:

direct and LIVING (indirect). there are not that many readings that i have serious issues with, in the annual cycle. sure there are a few that are a bit of the cheesy side of life. a few that are over the top in their exuberance, but for the most part, there are very few where i have an issue about how a term is misused. this reading is certainly one of those, and more than likely i have commented on the difference between “indirect” amends and “living” ones. for clarity, in this little exercise, indirect amends are those i have to make for one reason or another, to someone i cannot DIRECTLY engage with to make them in person. that category include, at least for me, my dead grandparents, my ex-wife for quite some time and the women i used across the course of my addiction, because i can barely remember their faces, let alone their names. in each of the cases, engaging with those to whom i owed an amends was not possible, so to them, i had to make indirect amends, that DID have a component of living amends, as part of that process.
it is my experience, that every amends has two parts, the damage and repair of actual harm and the alteration of my behaviors and attitude to prevent the seam harm from occurring further down the line ➳ living better in the here and now. the reading is certainly describing what i would call living amends, and perhaps it was a lack of vocabulary, back in the day that prevented them from using the term now in common parlance. with all of that said, i can move on to what living amends means to me today and how i behave my way into better thinking.
so what was it i heard, once i got through what i believed was the misapplication of a recovery term? since i am working a first step these days, sort of, anyhow, i can see quite glaringly that i am not as tolerant as i would have myself be, especially when it comes to me. one of the parts of my last living amends to myself, was to find room in my life, to treat myself with a lighter hand, when it came to looking at my behavior and actions over the course of my day. i am a judgmental sot and i judge myself the harshest. i use terms to describe myself that would blow up TWITTER and even the term covfefe comes to mind, whatever the fVck that is supposed to mean. i deride, disparage and generally abuse myself with a vengeance and this is after a few days clean. oh yes, i am better now, as this behavior is no longer kept in the dank dark recesses of my soul and it is not nearly as bad as it once was, but it persists and nothing i can do, seems to change it. in fact, as my worth, esteem and respect grows in my own eyes, the little missteps and faux pas, that fill my days seem to be even more heinous, at least to the judge, jury and executioner that reside within me. it feels as if the better i behave to those around me and the harder i look to find where i did not quite live my values, the harsher i treat myself and the less compassion i show myself. it feels as if i am on an eternal, internal treadmill that dwarfs Sisyphus and his task, at least he nearly makes the top, before the boulder rolls down the mountain. the most ironic part of all of this, is i tell my peers that they need to let go of punishing themselves for not being perfect, all the time, i allow myself to self-flagellate about my less than stellar moments. what i feel i need to do, is give myself a break. that does not mean ignore the stuff i do, but it does mean, accept that i did it, take responsibility for what i did, by admitting i was wrong and seek a path to act better the next time i find myself in that situation. allow myself the freedom to stumble and not see myself as a piece of shite hardly fit for the company of my fellow humans. it really is a good day to live my values and own my recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞