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to make long-lasting changes in my attitudes and behaviors, is certainly part and parcel of the amends process. behaving my way into better thinking, is the avenue i trod , for continued success in that endeavor. life in recovery, after a minute clean, becomes less and less about using and acting out and more and more about living a “clean” life. it is no accident that each time i come to the EIGHTH and NINTH step process, there are fewer and fewer amends on that list that need to be made. that is not some sort of fluke, nor is it living in a world of denial, it is a direct result of the amends process i undertook during my first shallow dive into the steps, many, many moons ago. i could argue whether or not changing my behaviors is an “indirect” amends or not, but what does it get me. being right or wrong about how i slice and dice stuff in recovery is no longer part of who i have to be, today.
just took a peek at my unofficial Bolder Boulder results and i placed 25th out of 125 in my division - Men that are 65 years old, which is not too shabby, given how lazy my run was. that is also no fluke, that is the result of applying myself to a physical training program, that came form the amends process itself. i am quite certain that might be a confusing statement, but i can certainly say that i, myself, have been on my amends list since my second set of steps and had done very little to modify my behavior and attitudes towards myself. i certainly paid all sort of lip service to the notion that i needed to make amends to me, but i was stuck for years and years about how to do so, and what the actual amends would be. when i started on my fitness program, it was out of pure greed, but that was part of the financial amends i was starting to make. as i embraced being fitter and healthier, i began to see that as a conduit to forgive myself for the harm i did in active addiction as well as in recovery. when i lived through my FOURTH and FIFTH STEPS last year, i strengthened that process and i have come to forgive myself for taking on the pile of shit that was never, ever reality, no matter how hard someone in a trusted position tried to foist it on me. i lived in that place far too long and have come to a place where seeking justice for what was done to me, is no longer something i need to do. that person will never see what they did, nor do i ever expect them to revisit their behavior, as i am no longer a victim or beholden to them for anything at all, much less approval or support. as cold as that may sound, it is where i have arrived, at least at this part of my journey through living a program of active recovery.
stepping out this morning for a 3 to 2 workout (run 3 miles, walk 2) i am certainly more than okay with who i am and what i has been changed in how i see myself and my place in the world. just for today, i will continue to live the amends i have committed to and be a better version of me, as a ressult of behaving my way into better thinking.

∞ DT ∞