โ as a newcomer, i came to my first meeting with only a small spark of life remaining โ
Posted: Wed, Jul 22, 2009 08:37:02 AM
that spark, my spirit, wants to survive and the fellowship nurtures that spirit. okay, i was a bit wordy yesterday, when i saw the word count i did gasp, but i guess that was all the words i had left over after the weekend away and off my routine, or what ever.
this is one of those readings that strikes me a little differently each time i read it. i am certain i have written about how my spirit has been brought to life by the fellowship, and i may have already written about the consequences of spiritual death if i choose to use, so it is certainly a good thing, that is not what i heard this morning.
the idea that got planted in my pointy little head this morning, speaks to the progression of my spiritual life, and the flame that my passion for the fellowship has become. that flame, or bonfire from day threatens to consume in the heat of zealotry. just as i could not use moderately, there are days when the passion for recovery and the fellowship that has given me this path, is not much different than the symptom of my uncontrollable drug use. this morning, when i was contemplating the nature of life, the universe and my place in it all of it, i was struck about my reactions to others, especially when they seem to be threatening to upset the apple cart, are similar to the reactions i had when someone or something was threatening my ability to get high. i get protective, secretive, isolated, defensive, and finally violently aggressive. while this passion is certainly a better alternative than using drugs, it certainly is something that i need to look at, as i continue along the path of recovery. i do know that moderation is possible, as i have achieved it briefly in other areas of my life. i also know that channeling my passion can also be accomplished. perhaps this is part of the nature of the spiritual awakening that is currently happening in me and my life, or perhaps it is just growth pains. after all, i am still a child at this whole recovery gig, and as i am entering spiritual puberty if you extend that metaphor, discovering who and what i really am, is part of that process.
i do believe i will leave it at that, yes i understand that using my seem like a viable alternative from time to time, and yes i understand that using would "snuff out" the spiritual flame that has been preserved and stoked by the fellowship that i am a part of, HOWEVER, today i do not feel like using and i do feel like going for my daily constitutional and getting some more work done, before the next project lands on my desk.
this is one of those readings that strikes me a little differently each time i read it. i am certain i have written about how my spirit has been brought to life by the fellowship, and i may have already written about the consequences of spiritual death if i choose to use, so it is certainly a good thing, that is not what i heard this morning.
the idea that got planted in my pointy little head this morning, speaks to the progression of my spiritual life, and the flame that my passion for the fellowship has become. that flame, or bonfire from day threatens to consume in the heat of zealotry. just as i could not use moderately, there are days when the passion for recovery and the fellowship that has given me this path, is not much different than the symptom of my uncontrollable drug use. this morning, when i was contemplating the nature of life, the universe and my place in it all of it, i was struck about my reactions to others, especially when they seem to be threatening to upset the apple cart, are similar to the reactions i had when someone or something was threatening my ability to get high. i get protective, secretive, isolated, defensive, and finally violently aggressive. while this passion is certainly a better alternative than using drugs, it certainly is something that i need to look at, as i continue along the path of recovery. i do know that moderation is possible, as i have achieved it briefly in other areas of my life. i also know that channeling my passion can also be accomplished. perhaps this is part of the nature of the spiritual awakening that is currently happening in me and my life, or perhaps it is just growth pains. after all, i am still a child at this whole recovery gig, and as i am entering spiritual puberty if you extend that metaphor, discovering who and what i really am, is part of that process.
i do believe i will leave it at that, yes i understand that using my seem like a viable alternative from time to time, and yes i understand that using would "snuff out" the spiritual flame that has been preserved and stoked by the fellowship that i am a part of, HOWEVER, today i do not feel like using and i do feel like going for my daily constitutional and getting some more work done, before the next project lands on my desk.
∞ DT ∞