Blog entry for:

a price to pay for getting high.
thinking about my life and what would happen IF, is never a comfortable task, in fact sometimes it leads to the most outrageous conclusions. one of those just happens to be, since i have been clean for so long that it is quite easy to stay clean, maybe i am not really an addict after all, and i can use successfully just like those who are in the other 85% of the human population. the fact that i am now happier, more sane and more socially adept than i have ever been is not a consideration. the fact that i can love and be loved, and that i can care and allow myself to be cared for, is not part of that calculation, as it feels like the “new” normal, which would be unaffected by an occasional beer or other perfectly legal substance. yes it all comes down to the fact that all my hard work, has created a person who stands before you, that has been transformed into a “normal” person, as many therapists and counselors would like to have me think.
yes, i appear as if i am part of that 85% of the human race, because i have a program of recovery that i CHOOSE to live, each and every day. as i have often pointed out, however, appearances are not always a true reflection of reality for me. in fact, it was the maintenance of those appearances that delayed my entry into this new world of recovery, for nearly seven months and certainly for 25 years. it was the denial of the damage that getting high was doing to me, that kept me from seeing any sort of light, and that denial is echoed in the opening part of this exercise. after all, was it really all that bad?
and so it goes.
in fact what i am beginning to see is that IF i have rationalize, intellectualize, or justify my way through to a decision, more than likely that is self-will and not anything close to aligning my own true will to that of the POWER that fuels my recovery. so moving forward from that, it is time to get showered off, shaved up and ready to do another day of gainful employment, maybe today will be the day the dam breaks and i GET to start the process to acqy=uiring some benefits. maybe!

∞ DT ∞