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Wed, Jul 22, 2020 07:55:42 AM


🕱 spiritual death 🕳
posted: Wed, Jul 22, 2020 07:55:42 AM

 

i am quite surprised i have yet to use this as my seed. strange as it may seem, perhaps using **death** in a blog title triggered an irrational and superstitious response. this morning, as i deal with my mortality and yes my recovery, addressing this topic seemed to be germane. as far as i know right now, none of my ongoing medical conditions are **terminal** and yet over the next few weeks i will be poked, prodded and imaged to verify that as fact. there is a part of me that longs for the “good old days” when i did not take care of myself and lived in a hedonistic, fatalistic manner, that precluded any caring about my physical, dental, mental or spiritual health. ignorance was truly bliss and any of my problems were quick to solve with a little drop of dis or dat.
ah, but those days are long gone and dang it all, recovery has given me a desire to be more than just clean another day. recovery has given me the spark to do more than just settle for an existence. i have come to the place in my life where i care about having a nearly full set of teeth in my head. i have come to a place in my life, where i am tired of dragging around thirty pounds of fat, around what was once my waist. i have come to a place where swallowing my emotions is no longer an option i choose to exercise and allowing what is really going on inside of me, to be seen by all of my peers. i have come to a place in my life, where i care about the damage in leave in my wake and strive to minimize that as i walk through my day. those are examples of how i choose a new manner in which to live, rather than sinking into the morass of boredom and fading into the sunset.
interesting that one of the darkest topic i choose to write about, turns into a rainbow and daisy fest. maybe, i am not as sick as i want to believe or make everyone else around me believe. maybe, the days i have been clean actually mean more than just not using. does any of this really matter, to anyone but me? here is where i can dive into some musings of a political nature. part of my spirit no longer being “not dead yet” is i am no longer pining for the fjords that once were my home. that is why it is so disturbing to me, that i am looking forward to my procedure tomorrow morning. the “sick” part of me cannot wait for the ten or fifteen seconds where i get to feel the medication, before i drift off into conscious sedation. i tell myself i “should” be better than this and that i “need” to find the way not to enjoy that brief slice of time. what i sincerely need to do, is to let go of my anticipation, my desire to control and my nostalgic recall and accept that this procedure is part of my life and the medications the doctor gives me, is part of allowing them to do the test. no matter how i dice or slice it, it is going to be a part of my reality and as an addict, there will always probably be a part of me, who will look forward to the ride, just as there will be a part of me,. who feels shame for enjoying it. it is a good day to be clean and yes even a better day to affirm my decision to be a better person, physically and spiritually, just for today.

∞ DT ∞

 

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

spiritual life 235 words ➥ Thursday, July 22, 2004 by: donnot
α spiritual life ω 317 words ➥ Friday, July 22, 2005 by: donnot
↔ snuffing the spiritual flame i have worked so hard to restore in my recovery ↔ 375 words ➥ Saturday, July 22, 2006 by: donnot
∞ but i know what the consequence will be if i use ∞ 514 words ➥ Sunday, July 22, 2007 by: donnot
δ with the Twelve Steps and the love of other recovering addicts, δ 369 words ➥ Tuesday, July 22, 2008 by: donnot
∞ as a newcomer, i came to my first meeting with only a small spark of life remaining ∞ 489 words ➥ Wednesday, July 22, 2009 by: donnot
• for me, to use is to die, often in more ways than one • 777 words ➥ Thursday, July 22, 2010 by: donnot
∏ with the Twelve Steps and the love of other recovering addicts ∏ 509 words ➥ Friday, July 22, 2011 by: donnot
⌈ each day i choose to stay clean, my spirit is revitalized ⌋ 738 words ➥ Sunday, July 22, 2012 by: donnot
↔ when everything in my life seems to go wrong, ↔ 526 words ➥ Monday, July 22, 2013 by: donnot
∏ despite the fact that my life in recovery is rewarding, ∏ 750 words ➥ Tuesday, July 22, 2014 by: donnot
∩ too dear ∩ 418 words ➥ Wednesday, July 22, 2015 by: donnot
🎲 finding purpose 🎯 735 words ➥ Friday, July 22, 2016 by: donnot
🏜 to use is to die, 🏝 719 words ➥ Saturday, July 22, 2017 by: donnot
🏎 honoring my 🏍 523 words ➥ Sunday, July 22, 2018 by: donnot
🌱 that whole, vital 🌼 431 words ➥ Monday, July 22, 2019 by: donnot
👹 choosing 👺 436 words ➥ Thursday, July 22, 2021 by: donnot
🙃 if i choose 🙁 495 words ➥ Friday, July 22, 2022 by: donnot
🤝 extending a 🤝 565 words ➥ Saturday, July 22, 2023 by: donnot
💸 a price to 💸 494 words ➥ Monday, July 22, 2024 by: donnot
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☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯

THE TAO TEH KING, OR THE TAO AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge

Book 2

1) Therefore all in the world delight to exalt him and do not weary
of him. Because he does not strive, no one finds it possible to strive
with him.