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to use, my losses would be beyond my gravest imaginings. as i was working with one of the men i sponsor the other day, he said something about his relationships with others in the fellowship, now that he no longer lived in his car. this morning, as i listened, the notion of others being upset, jealous or envious of what i have gained spiritually and emotionally, as a result of staying clean and living a program of recovery, bubbled up to the surface. as it faded, i reminded myself of what i told him during our discussion, specifically what others think about me, is none of my fVcking bidness. if i choose to dwell in the heads of others, i will certainly slide back into the behavior that fostered the lie i lived by, and for me, that could be the beginning of the end. i have not come this far, just to throw it away, because i imagine someone sees me in an unfavorable light.
listing all that i could lose might be a worthwhile exercise, but what would be the point? i know that today i am healthier than i have been in decades, physically, emotionally, mentally and certainly spiritually. i could have more money in the bank, but i do not stay up late worrying about that fact of life. ironically i was beating myself up, because i failed to purchase a Mega Millions ticket for a chance at 630 million dollars yesterday. because of this semi-isolation regime i have placed myself under, as i wait for my spouse to test negative for COVID, i thought yesterday was Friday. as i started beating myself up for not wasting $2.00 on the chance for hundreds of millions, it came to me that i still had nearly twenty-four hours to waste those George Washingtons. slipping back into patterns of self-deprecation apparently is still quite easy for me to do, i KNOW that i am worth more than berating myself for a human failing or three.
all of my worth, i have earned by staying clean and living an active program of recovery. i may have believed i was worth something when using, but in reality that was a lie, as the evidence shows. time and again i did things, said things and became things that went against my moral fiber, without giving it a second thought. after all, i may have been worthless and shiftless, but DAMMIT i was going get whatever i needed to get, even if it meant breaking into the house of a “friend” and stealing their drugs, which i did more than once. honoring who i have become, means i get to CHOOSE to get out of the house and get my steps in. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to remember i am worth CHOOSING to stay clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞