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pay for getting high? from the very first time i walked into the rooms, i have heard members and those who were unsure of whether or not they would be a member, sharing about the the high price of low living. they all seemed unanimous in the notion that to use for them was perhaps to die and i always found that view a bit extreme. it took me more than a long minute to see what they were talking about, especially after more than one of those who i entered the rooms with, overdosed and died on their very first use after being clean. even though literally i had seen that happen, i was still caught up in the notion that it did not apply to me, after all, i was “different.” as begin to see that losing my ability to walk freely around was not the only price i might have to pay, for that twenty minute vacation from reality, i saw the figurative meaning of a price to dear to pay.
the reading speaks of a spiritual death that is the result of that very first use, after having some clean time and some recovery. i am not all that sure about how much life my spirit had when i finally came to recovery, but today, i know i have a rich spiritual life and one that allows me the freedom to walk around free from active addiction. i gained the at freedom so long ago, that i often take it for granted. when one has been clean for as long as i have, it is hard to remember what it was like to have the desire to use twenty-four/seven. living life on a spiritual path keeps that desire at bay and allowing a POWER to fuel my recovery, provides me all that i need to live a program of recovery. alive and kicking.
day four post-op? well the pain and swelling is subsiding, even though i had a very rough night last night and would have had my hand in the medicine jar, if there had been narcotics in the house. this far down the line, asking for pain killers feels as if it is addict drug seeking behavior. i am much better than that, junkie that i am, and i really can get by without resorting to playing my various medical practitioners for a little dab to do me. there is also the legal, no prescription required route, but on that path i am not sure what pain i would really be treating, the physical pain from my surgery or the mental pain of life on its own terms. i do believe that just for today, i will honor myself, my spirit and the life i have been given and set aside that voice that tells me that relief is just a swallow away.

∞ DT ∞