Blog entry for:

i begin to become that whole, vital person a Higher Power intended me to be.
just to set the record straight here i DO NOT believe that i was predestined to be on this path and that my choices across the length of my life were just illusions and not real choice. the rub than is apparent, how can i become THE person i was meant to be? or even worse part: how can i believe i am part of a plan beyond my ken?
well quite simply. there needs to be some spin on something whether i call it a greater understanding, or i just outright twist what i believe into a form that does not sound like what it really is. wiser people than i, have spent whole lifetimes contemplating those issues and end up as confused and confusing as i am. instead of focusing on reconciling those beliefs, i will accept that they are a paradox within my belief system and move on, into becoming the man i have always wanted to be. yes it sometimes frustrates me, that i am a set of walking contradictions, and i guess that is a gift of recovery, after all, i am a clean addict this morning, that in and of itself does not seem possible and yet…
it is quite true that when i came to recovery, my spirit was nearly dead and early recovery provided the life support needed to keep it alive. the paradoxes in my life were few and far between, i was an addict, i behaved like an addict and my entire life was consumed with getting high and staying there as much as humanly possible, to say that i was one-dimensional was not a stretch by any means. sure i still had all the same assets i have today, an intellect that retained it's ability to be rational and logical. i was however, living a life in the margins, barely alive and not long for this world, spiritually. this whole spiritual path has been quite a trip and some days, i am overwhelmed by it. i see nothing wrong with that and although it sounds like bitching i am just stating a fact: i am not used to being a spiritual person, even after 5000 days in row without the use of drugs. that too, is part of the paradoxical nature of the belief structure i have constructed since getting clean.
anyhow, this morning i am grateful that i have many miles to go before i sleep and that i have the ability to do so. this spiritual being needs to get his physical self on the road to Bozeman, so as the day progresses i may actually get a chance to ponder the question of life after spiritual near death and the rewards that i have received as a result. it is after all the QUESTION that matters most as the answer changes based on my understanding.

∞ DT ∞