Blog entry for:

often in more ways than one. playing Captain Obvious here, at least in my world view, using will be the death me of, physically, spiritually and emotionally, of that i have very little doubt. it is true i may not physically die the first time i sue, but the clock will start ticking and sooner, rather than later, i will end up on thew other side of the lawn, figuratively speaking. accepting i am an addict and accepting the direction of my life, IF i decide to use again, is not a hard concept for me to grasp today. i have more than ample examples of what happens to people like me, addicts, when they decide to use. more importantly even the thought experiments i do about what my relapse would look like, very rarely stop at a single beer, or a quick trip to the dispensary. they quickly escalate or start right at where i left off, which is certainly telling a tale of who i am and where i would desire going, upon breaking the commitment i have made for myself to stay clean, just for today.
i speak of commitment, in the paragraph above, and it is true, today i honor and esteem myself to look at my choice to stay clean, as a commitment. once upon a time it was an onerous burden and at other times a heinous lifestyle choice. as i stayed clean, lived clean and learned to live a program, NOT practice, if you catch my drift, it became evident that, to me anyhow, that IF i wanted to continue down this path, i would have to alter my perspective. when i saw recovery as a burden imposed upon me by outside forces, such as the 20TH Judicial District, i chafed under that collar, and did my best to prove to myself that it was a purely legal issue and i was NOT any sort of addict. those eighteen months of living at the edge of the light of recovery, were trying and actually somewhat fun, as i maneuvered my way through a set of steps, without making many major changes and got into service in the fellowship that was to become my home. i certainly looked like a perfect example of a recovering person, and for me looking like i was clean and serene was far more important than being either.
that fateful trip to see the Letterman show in NYC, finally brought desperation into my life and FINALLY i was ready to actually do something about living a life of recovery. the journey from compliance to FAITH has been a long one and certainly fraught with dangerous twists and turns throughout. when it was all about practicing the principles of recovery, i could rationalize away the most outrageous shite. it all came down to the notion that “practice makes perfect,” and skilled people are not necessarily born with those skills, they have to “practice” to get skilled in them. <BOOM> there were two juicy ways to justify and rationalize away all kinds of bullshit, and trust me i did.
it has been a few journeys through the steps, since that night, and over time, the personality change, that drove my change in perspective helps me to see that practicing or trying is not enough. for me, i must live these principles and when i do not measure up, accept that i did NOT measure up and work on applying myself, that much more. not living up to my principles is not a FAIL, it is just a misstep that requires correction. as long as i honor myself and my commitment to myself, just for today, i have the chance to improve tomorrow and for me, improvement is what it is all about.
i do need to say, what i am writing about here this morning applies to me only. i am not writing about how my peers, past and present choose to live their lives, even though i seriously would like to do so. nope, today, my opinions on how they manage their recovery will remain within me, because i know, that they too, are doing the best they can do, just for today.

∞ DT ∞