โ snuffing the spiritual flame i have worked so hard to restore in my recovery โ
Posted: Sat, Jul 22, 2006 08:49:50 AM
is too dear a price to pay for getting high.
i would love to say that since i came to accept the truth about who and what i was and what i needed to do to become more, that i have never even thought of using. that would be a lie! i wish i could even say that all i have had is an idle thought about using that comes very infrequently and quickly passes. that is closer to the truth but still a lie. i wish i could say that the desire came upon me and the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS, removed it just as quickly as it came. no the truth is, that during certain periods in my recovery, the option of using not only seemed attractive to me, b ut i actually seriously considered it. the spiritual death that accompanied using was worth it, just so i would not have to feel for that brief moment. i am not a suicidal type, and throughout my life, at least i when i was using, suicide was only something i thought about three or four times, so when i hear others share that they would rather kill themselves before using, i am puzzled. i love living, even the somnolent half-life of a using addict is preferable to me than no life at all.
so how have i made it to this point, transversing those dark periods without using? well i have a sponsor and friends in the program who love me and will listen to my shit, when it needs to be dumped. that POWER i mentioned above, may not remove the desire in an instant, but has always provided an alternative to using. and most of all, i have the grace to consider the consequences of using and i find those consequences unacceptable today anyway. so i get to write this little blog, in a spiritual and emotional state that is a gift of recovery and be happy that right now, right here using is not something i am considering.
i would love to say that since i came to accept the truth about who and what i was and what i needed to do to become more, that i have never even thought of using. that would be a lie! i wish i could even say that all i have had is an idle thought about using that comes very infrequently and quickly passes. that is closer to the truth but still a lie. i wish i could say that the desire came upon me and the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS, removed it just as quickly as it came. no the truth is, that during certain periods in my recovery, the option of using not only seemed attractive to me, b ut i actually seriously considered it. the spiritual death that accompanied using was worth it, just so i would not have to feel for that brief moment. i am not a suicidal type, and throughout my life, at least i when i was using, suicide was only something i thought about three or four times, so when i hear others share that they would rather kill themselves before using, i am puzzled. i love living, even the somnolent half-life of a using addict is preferable to me than no life at all.
so how have i made it to this point, transversing those dark periods without using? well i have a sponsor and friends in the program who love me and will listen to my shit, when it needs to be dumped. that POWER i mentioned above, may not remove the desire in an instant, but has always provided an alternative to using. and most of all, i have the grace to consider the consequences of using and i find those consequences unacceptable today anyway. so i get to write this little blog, in a spiritual and emotional state that is a gift of recovery and be happy that right now, right here using is not something i am considering.
∞ DT ∞