Blog entry for:

and my relationship with the POWER that fuels my recovery grows.
okay, i have already deleted one of the paths i was going to take, so let me see if path two bears more fruit. not that what i was writing about was fruitless, but as i the words started to flow through my fingers, i realized how whiny and totally off the mark it was. death and dying, like fear and loathing, just seem to be part of life in general. part of me really detests the way people in fellowship celebrate the anniversary of their clean as date as a birthday -- with cake, parties and all the attending hoopla. another part of me finds it quaint, but really wants to be feted on my clean date celebration with gusto and fanfare. reconciling those two, contrasting ideas. is never an easy task, but when i get to the core of this reading, i also get why i should celebrate and participate in the celebration with others, as well. although, my actual recovery did not start until nearly 13 months after my clean date, trying to find such a nebulous line in the =sand, would make things, especially celebrations, a bit difficult, after all, on what day did my recovery actually start. was it Friday night, at the speaker meeting in Greeley, or perhaps when talking, for the first time, about the nature of addiction, with another addict in the wee hours Sunday morning in Greeley. or maybe it was a week later when all that i heard and felt finally fell into some sort of pattern. i could go on, muddying the waters and maki9ng a quite simple task overly complex. on the other hand i KNOW what the last day i used on was, hence setting my clean date and celebrating the beginning of my gestation into this new life, is appropriate.
i would have told you that my spirit, if it even existed, was alive and kicking when i got here, when in actuality, it had been in a coma for so long, one could have taken it off of life support and let it pass. that is enough of cheesy metaphors for this morning. recovery was not a resurrection for me, as i never had any sort of life in a spiritual sense. i have friends that would argue that point, this morning however, i will leave at that. today, I KNOW, that i am a spiritual being, wrapped up in physical body, that sometimes has needs and wants of its own. again, off topic, what is going on today and what will be killed dead IF i use again, is the spiritual life that i never had before. yes, i may have once been more than the selfish, self-centered person who walked into the rooms, but as my FOURTH STEP has revealed, it was a long fVcking time ago. the traits and behaviors and lack of spiritual life that was the man i came to recovery with, were created long before i ever took that first drug. so all of this, selflessness, empathy and caring, really is a new gig for me. not that i was some sort of sociopath when i started using, but i was more than likely close to a borderline personality and could have tipped into the madness of self-obsession with a very gentle nudge in the right direction. i am here today, to celebrate this life i have. it IS NOT the life i had when i got here, except in a very literal sense, and being restored to sanity, is not the mental state i had before i started using. so i can say for me, to use is to die, and mean it quite literally, because i am far from certain, where just one will take me, and the world does not need another partially rational nut job, running amok through the lives of innocent people.
anyhow, it is time to head out to Sterling and see if i can give my friend and sponsee a bit of comfort and an opportunity to interact with another recovering addict. just as an aside, i do this so i can stay clean another day, as selfish and self-serving as that may sound, it is the truth, at least as i see it today.

∞ DT ∞