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to stay clean, goes straight to the heart of my recovery. when i got here, the rooms of recovery that is, i had very few choices. what i thought was an unfettered existence, because i avoided drugs that created a physical dependence, was just a fantasy. what i uncovered in those first few months of actually being clean was that i may not have felt the pain of physical withdrawal, but i certainly felt the pain of the emotional and mental withdrawal. i cannot compare that experience with physical withdrawal and i will not disrespect any of my peers, who had to pass through all three by minimizing their experience, for me, mine was hellish enough.
when i finally “came to” about eighteen months after the last time i used, i started to feel that “GOD-shaped” hole for the very first time. i finally started to feel how little of my spiritual self, still remained. for this addict, getting clean was only the prerequisite of the spiritual journey i finally began to take. CHOOSING to satay clean, just for today, give some the strength to continue on this path, no matter what occurs in my life. a friend and peer, died two days ago, my Mom ended-up in the hospital yesterday and i am sitting here spinning about whether or not i made the grade to leave my old job behind. the past seventy-two hours has been eventful enough to certainly give me a HUGE rationalization, to use just a little something. i am not one of those who denies that from time to time, using feels like the next right thing to do. i CHOOSE not to go down that path and these days, i have that choice.
where does that leave me this morning? well, i am choosing to live a program of active recovery and let go of what i think i may know and believe. things are moving forward, even if i do NOT detect motion. life in this spiritual plane, has been full of twists and turns, lately. one significant fact of my life has been that i want to be healthier and more fit. right here and right now, it means letting go, putting on my workout togs and putting some miles between where i am and where i will be. it means taking a breath and allowing stuff to transpire as it will. it means that, just for right now, to celebrate the spiritual life i choose to live and go on, just for today.

∞ DT ∞