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despite the fact that my life in recovery is rewarding, the urge to use can sometimes be overwhelming. it has although, been quite a while since that particular bugaboo has popped up into my reality, the urge that is. so when i read this morning, the first place my head went to was the whole party line, blah, blah, blah. do not get me wrong, i am a member and buy the whole party line, hook, line and sinker, as the cliché goes. so that was no problem. the problem is that i have been trying to use this exercise and space of the virtual world of bits and bytes to say something a little bit more, or at least that has been my intention lately. so after a moment of pondering i came to a different path, that requires spouting a bit of the party line to gain an entry point.
i know i have at least one more use left in me, that has always been the case. what i do not know is if i have another recovery left within. that realization was the basis of my fear based program for over a decade. that realization is still true today, but my program is no longer based in fear. these days i work a program based on the HOPE, that if i do the next right thing, i can and i will become a better person. i will more closely match the vision for myself that has been put in my head by the POWER that fuels my recovery. the journey to find that POWER has been long and fraught with all kinds of land mine, booby traps and just plain dead-ends. i persevered and have arrived at a place where i am finally capable of paying more than lip service to the POWER behind the throne of my recovery. as a result, i am grateful for where i am today.
i understand the consequences of using means a whole lot more than the loss of thousands of days clean, well i actually would not lose those either, as i have lived each and every one of those, i guess what i would lose in that respect is the tokens that signify that achievement. before i offend anyone, i truly believe that any addict who manages to put together one day clean, has accomplished the nearly impossible, so tens, hundreds and thousands of days in a row, is just as amazing. so although i would not lose those days, nor the experience of living those days, i would lose the right to honestly claim any acknowledgment of those days, they would be lost in the bit bucket of past regrets and days. i finally get while the addict who chronically relapses clings so tightly to any time they had in the past, it is out of pride and self-will, wanting to appear more than they are. of course, this prideful addict, would have difficulty standing up and taking that very first token once again and would probably be one of those who believed that my clean time tossed away with a single use, even though in my heart of hearts i know that it certainly was callously and consciously tossed away. i am so fVcking old school here that even though i welcome back those who relapse, i understand that they did not “slip” on some ice and end up with a needle in their arm. they chose, for whatever reason to use, consciously and with forethought. for me, that same harsh judgment would more than apply, after all, addicts like me do not get thousands of days without effort, and yet in an instant i can throw all of that away, activating addiction and beginning my decline into the twilight of spiritual death, which brings me back to the top and i guess i did not go that far off the party line as a result.
i am grateful that i am clean today. i am grateful that i have the means to stay clean today. i am grateful that i have the desire to stay clean today. most importantly i am grateful that “getting and using” is no longer the power that runs my life. all of this powers my HOPE and makes me desire an even stronger connection with the POWER that is the source of my recovery today. with that thought in mind, i do believe the time has come to make my tour of the neighborhood. it is a good day not to relapse.

∞ DT ∞