Blog entry for:

in my existence?
like many of my peers, this question and the quest to uncover this knowledge, obsessed me to no end. over the course of the days i have been clean, more and more, i think less and less on what is the purpose of my existence, and live more in the “what is,” instead of “what is it.”
okay back at it. yes, once i got clean and started to feel i was different, as in not creating chaos everywhere i went, i began to wonder if my life had some purpose, other than just living. after all, what i heard was that i was “saved” from the idiotic things i did in active addiction. my mind continued down that track as, “IF i was saved, it must have been for some larger and grander purpose, after all, why would i be CHOSEN and others left to die?” time and again, i came back to this premise and each time the answer eluded me, in the end, i always fell back on to the tried and true: “GOD works in mysterious ways,” cliché
as i stayed clean and grew in my recovery program, this question receded into the background chatter that is human consciousness, and up until today, i really have not pondered it much. this morning, however, after a very brief night of sleep, it popped back to the top of stack, as i read the JFT reading. to be clear, the reading in and of itself is all about the death of my spirit that would accompany my next use. it spoke of being nearly dead when i got here and how the recovery program, i choose to live 100% of the time, has nurtured it, restored it and continues to make it grow in both strength and intensity. i have no problem with any of that, as the evidence of my experience demonstrates. in fact my FAITH is that IF i keep doing what i am doing, i will keep getting what i am getting. for me, therefore, sometimes i dive a bit deeper and focus on a phrase or two, just because most of the rest of the reading happens to coincide in my current belief system. this morning it came to the notion of a purpose to my life and how that is an idea, that i have reconciled in this current set of steps.
having a “higher purpose,” or “ being more than ordinary” are two things i always thought were part of me, even back in the day. as i moved further and further from a deist world view, these two ideas gradually lost their veracity and became like an appendix is to my body, vestigial organs. they once served a purpose and were in place for a very good reason, but now they just hang out and did very little, except to get infected, inflamed and a threat to my spiritual health. as i sit in my 12TH step, and contemplate the spiritual awakening(s) i have been a part of, in this set of steps, i see that i really having to have a sense of a “higher purpose” is not part of who i am today. the steps have surgically removed my need to be spiritually more or greater than, and the purpose i sense in my life today, is just to live life the best i can today. make my plans, accept what happens is just what happens, and fret over the questions that drove me bat-shit crazy for all those years. i am becoming whole, i am becoming genuine and i am no longer reliant on the ideas i needed to pump up my low self-esteem and lack of self-respect. in my spiritual path, stuff happens, and i am clean today, because of a chain of events, some tragic, that forced me to stop using for long enough to clear the garbage from my mind. one may call that a miracle, and i would not disagree with them. i see it as an opportunity that was forced upon me with great prejudice, that i chose to avail myself to, after all, people like me do not get clean nor do they stay clean. OR DO THEY?
so it is off to the races and into this day i go.

∞ DT ∞