Blog entry for:

...forgetful, unreliable, and imperfect and yet my recovery requires me to trust people.
well this is certainly a strange feeling day, as always when i take a day off from my workout routine, i feel kind of, sort of, well it is hard to qualify just different. i have already accomplish a bunch of work, got my laundry halfway done and i have yet to hop into the shower.
all of that is nice and wonderful, but what it really does is divert me from thinking and writing about trust, namely trusting others. while a diversion is nice, every now and again, what the issue is, is i am not quite sure. intellectually, i get the whole i got to trust concept. the overwhelming preponderance of the evidence is that i can trust most everyone in the program with most of my stuff. emotionally, however, i am still quite reserved, about what i trust who with, as i walk through my recovery. of course there is my sponsor, whom i have no trouble these days trusting with all of my stuff. also there are my close-mouthed friends, with whom i trust most of my stuff. my family, who i trust with some of stuff. finally the fellowship and the rest of humanity in general, that i trust with very little of my stuff. evidently, i have this whole set of conditional trust set-up and active in my life. yet, i have not even talked about who i trust with taking care of me from the human race, as the reading seems to be moving more in that direction.
i know that some are sicker than others, and i understand that we recover at different rates, but it is a bit disconcerting to me, that of all the growth i have had, that this is where my fear seems to stop my recovery process. perhaps, one of these days i will get past this fear and move into the sunlight of the spirit in this respect, or maybe wild monkeys will fly out of my ass! what is important for me, right here and right now, before i hop in the shower is to let go, and allow myself to feel my way into trusting more and fearing less. life is far to precious for em to keep myself locked up, and recovery has been demolishing my self-built prison one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞