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and insensitivity are not notions that i deal with on any sort of regular basis. it can go without saying, that once i stopped living a life of finding the ways and means to procure what i needed on a daily basis, i became a bit more worthy of being trusted and so did those with whom i spent my time. it is not as if, my old using buddies got religion and stopped acting in the selfish, self-centered manner that i was accustomed to, they left when i got clean and i chose to let them leave my life. some attempted to continue to hang, but as we have discovered, i am not quite the same person when i am clean, as i was in my using daze. there is a huge caveat, however, it is not as if all the betrayal and insensitivity has left the building. i am a perpetrator as well as a victim of that sort of behavior, every now and again. what is different is that when i am the one who is wrong, i can take responsibility for my behavior, make the correction and repair the damage i have done. when i am the one who was wronged? well that is a horse of a different color.
on my daily journey towards the spiritual principle of happiness, one of the obstacles i occur, almost without fail, is a lack of forgiveness for those who have wronged me, in the recent as well as the ancient past. that simmering anger may not morph completely into a full-blown resentment, but it does keep my emotional pot close to the boiling point, as i hold my breath waiting for the apologies that may never come. as i started my day, this morning, a few of the most recent and egregious harms bubbled up to the surface. since i was in the process of “listening” i allowed myself to fell that pain once again, let it wash through me and let it go. in reality, most of what came to the surface, were form those with whom i do not share recovery with and are more than clueless about life outside of their little, tiny world. it is sad to see people i am close to, walking through their days, in a fog of self-delusion and denial. expecting them to all of a sudden to pull their heads out of their asses, is way too much, so i have to take it on myself, to see that they are doing the best they can, emotionally and spiritually cripples as they are, to get through their days. it does not soothe my pain, but at least i have a path towards forgiveness.
as i prepare to hit the streets for my daily work out, i can see that theme of the obstacles i may need to remove today is my intransigence to be forgiving and tolerating others for what they are. i may want them to be more than they are and even cajole and chide them to look beyond the space they occupy, but in reality, that is not my job to do. the fact is, that i just have to trust them to behave as they always have and tolerate the effect those behaviors have on me. by doing so, my serenity levels will rise and i will find the ways and means to forgive them, for they truly do not understand what they may be doing.

∞ DT ∞