Blog entry for:

unreliable, and imperfect, a wonderful description of who i was and still am today. as much as i would like to believe that somehow i have become less of a flake, since coming to the program, the fact of life is that there are still parts of me, that are resistant to the changes manifested by applying -- not practicing -- some simple spiritual principles in my life. twice in the past two days, by peers on opposite sides of an opinion, i have been asked what the motives of the others were and why they did what they did and reacted in the manner that they did. i honestly wanted to give my opinion and something ↳ probably a moment of sanity, prevented me from speaking what i thought was the truth and direct them to ask the other party. as much as i think i know, the fact is ascribing motives to the behavior of others, is an action i take less and less these days, at last when it comes to speaking such opinions out loud, they still, naturally, roll around in my head. the question that was not asked of me, by either party is what i thought and how i was going to respond. i am in a spot right now in my recovery, where i feel myself drawing in and looking for something, just a wee bit different. that is okay as well, as my opinions, at times, carry far too much weight with my peers. once upon a time, that was a position i was striven to be in, today, not so much.
i understand the notion of “owning” something that is not mine and protecting it with fervor, and i had to step away more than once from thing i loved, in order to gain some perspective. before i did so, i was willing to l;ash out and decimate anyone i thought was trying to undo the work i had done and did so with extreme prejudice. i was once told that i was part of a cabal in our local fellowship who decided who got the support they needed to recover and who did not. while that opinion may have been a bit extreme and i vigorously denied it, i can see a kernel of truth in what i was being told ↳ i cast a very large shadow on my peers in recovery and it is up to me to counteract that effect, by being honest and revealing my feet of clay. unlike some of my peers, i share about fVcking human i am, and the FNG who wants to hear about how bright and shiny lives in recovery become, has to hear it from someone else.
i am becoming trustworthy by being honest about who and what i am, and right now, i do not feel a whole lot of love for my local fellowship, in fact i am stepping away to hear a few different voices where i am not at the top of any sort of food chain. by being who i am, i allow myself to see others for who they are. becoming trustworthy was the only path for me to begin to trust others. seeing myself for the flake i can be, is the only way i can see others as my equals and peers. one may not like the answer i give them, but if one keeps asking the wrong questions, than they will never learn the truth. i can be as honest as i need to be, and i can also be reliable and supporting, as well. the fact of life is that if i can be all those things, so can anyone else in my life anmd for me that is my path top trusting the very people i need to save my life, just for today.

∞ DT ∞