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how do i do that, given the evidence of my past?
an puzzling dilemma and one that has haunted me throughout my recovery. i would love to honestly say that i have come to trust people and especially those with who i share my recovery, implicitly and without conditions. but that would be a lie, to myself and to you. however, and yes i know i am deep into the qualifiers now, i find myself trusting people more than i did when i was starting this journey out in what seems a lifetime ago.
so on the continuum of trusting people with whom i interact on a day to day basis i have moved off the untrusting end and towards the center. what does that mean exactly? some people i trust with my life, my secrets and all my feelings, some people i trust with nothing at all, and this does include some of my fellow members in recovery. and most people i trust with hesitation with the basic stuff, until i get evidence that they are not capable of being trustworthy. so it is a continual balancing act for this addict and i must make snap judgments about who to trust and with what on a constant basis. makes life a whole lot more complicated than active addiction, BUMMER DOOD! after all, back when i was active in my disease i knew i could not trust anyone, myself included.
so the interesting part of this reading for me today is i get to evaluate where i am in this whole trust gig. i see myself as being more trustworthy and reliable then ever before, and i see the people with whom i have chosen to share my life and my recovery, walking a similar path. and yes, i have yet to become a perfect saint, so even i flake out and behave in a manner that is unreliable and untrustworthy from time to time on a day to day basis. DAMMIT! that means i need to forgive those who do so to! but of course forgiveness is a topic for another day. :)
after all, life is too short and precious these days to walk through life waiting to see who will fuck me over next, it is much easier just to learn to trust and leave the results of that behavior in the capable hands of THE POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS!

∞ DT ∞