Blog entry for:

unreliable, and imperfect! a perfect litany of reasons why i cannot be trusted, nor can any other human being. sitting here this morning, getting ready top get some miles in, before a road trip with a couple of my friends, i nostalgically look back to the days, when those were the very things that kept me from becoming a member. those three terms described me to a “T,” and my experiences as a using addict honed those “negatives” into a cocoon of protection from the so-called real world. yes, some of us are sicker than others. as much as i have the desire to build a case against the fellowship that has brought me this far, using the fact that i may still be a bit untrustworthy as a pillar of that argument, no longer holds much water, to mix a metaphor or three.
these days, i GET to be a part of the lives around me. it is true, i do get burned, especially by the addict who “says” they want what i have, but cannot seem to get that the first step towards getting what i and others have, is to stop using. over the course of the past week, i have had the opportunity to interact with at least one addict who has been “around” the rooms for years, and who is currently getting high, while living on the streets. there have been times when i sincerely thought that they “got” this gig, this time. today, i am doing my best, not abandon all hope, perhaps, after this run and their geographic, they will find the ways and means to come into and stay in recovery. i do remember my struggle to stay out of the clutches of the legal system, and find a place within a fellowship that is based on spiritual principles, on of which is honesty. i was sure, playing the justice system and the fellowship was my only path back to the sort of life i once believed i desired.
before this day gets too hot and i end up holding up my friends from our adventure of the day, i better wrap this up and hit the streets. i want to be trusted and to do so, i have to pay attention, be reliable and strive to practice the principles of my recovery in my daily life. living a program may not be the easier, softer way, but the payoff for me, is i get to have people in my life that trust me and in whom in can trust, just for today.

∞ DT ∞