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i had had hundreds of experiences bearing out my conviction that people are untrustworthy. in fact, as the reading goes on to say, i KNEW my associates were as trustworthy as i was, and just like me, they would steal a wallet then help you look for it. so learning to trust, someone, anyone, has certainly become a journey for me, and one that is slowly becoming part of my default behavior. when i consider what it felt like in my skin, during those first seven months or so of being “around” recovery, distrusting everyone, and certain that not one of the members at that time had my back, it is amazing that i DID NOT take the prison option. just to be clear, i use the term “being around” derisively, because those who rely on it, are those who cannot or will not stay clean, and often are the ones that down play continuous clean time as something to strive for. that is, however a digression and not germane to the topic at hand.
learning to trust, was not something that came easy to me, and when my seven months of self-imposed exile from what recovery was really offering me, was complete, i did what many good addicts did, i jumped in and did what i was told, grudgingly and halfheartedly, but did the deed and started to learn how to trust the man who was my very first sponsor. it is also quite true that my first 4TH STEP, was more than a bit light on content, but it was enough to keep me clean and propel me forward through the next eight steps. the spiritual awakening i had as part of that step cycle was that it really was not all about me, sure there were some people, even in the rooms, who may have been out to get me for whatever reason, BUT for the most part, i was just a peripheral player, that was man interesting adjunct to the groups i frequented.
time has passed, i have stayed clean and worked steps and amazingly, while that first spiritual awakening was heart-breaking and quite true, it shifted my perspective and as i grew, i became more than just an addict on the fringe, i allowed others to become part of my life and they allowed me to become p[art of theirs, with all the inherent trust that entails. the second set of steps i worked, took that very depressing and honest spiritual awakening and allowed me to finally grow into someone, i COULD trust, as i finally developed a relationship with myself. that process and the step cycles between that day and today, have allowed me to discard the belief that everyone is out to get me, and no one is worth trusting.that is not to say that i unconditionally trust everyone i meet, but i do give them the benefit of the doubt to start with, instead instantly believing that they are out to get me. today i can look someone in the eye and tell them something about myself, without the worry about who they will be telling it to next. not that i think they will not pass it one, it is that i just do not care, i am hardly so important that the world spins around me and everyone is talking about me. i really do fins it humorous, when i hear those who have been “around” the rooms say that everyone is judging them and talking about them, as in reality that is as far off the mark as one can be. honestly, when they are out running and gunning, they do cross my mind from time to time, but i hardly dwell on what they are doing, and for the most part they are not part of my conscious reality, as i have people in my life that i deem much more important than someone who once was and i do not believe i am unique in this at all. today i fill my life with those i trust and do my best to forgive those i do not, after all, they too are doing the best they can, with whatever it is they have today.

∞ DT ∞