Blog entry for:

my level best to live by spiritual principles, or am i just a fraud who acts the part when i think others are watching me? it all comes down, to whether or not, my peers can trust me, because if i feel trustworthy, i can use that feeling as evidence to trust them. one of the biggest stumbling blocks for me anyhow, is that i see how flaky i can be. it is true, that as i stay clean and live a program of recovery i am less flaky and certainly less shady. based on that experience, i should be able to assume the same sort of progression happening in the lives of my peers. there still is, however, an element of distrust and wariness when i deal with them, that keeps me from fully embracing them, and that sucks.
moving on, after many miles of frustration yesterday, today i am certainly at peace with what occurred with the man who calls me his sponsor. it is interesting to have him put into words why is hesitant to speak his reservations out loud. being a person who eschews superstition, and yet wears the same jersey for weeks on end when his favorite football team is winning, i can see his point. more than once in my life i was convinced that uttering something could make it come true. as ridiculous as that seems to me today, i lived my life in abject fear that some demon was monitoring my every word and devising my next misadventure. today i am sure that the events i deem “good” or “bad” in my life are either consequences of my behavior. otherwise, they are just part of the randomness of living life in the real world. on that note, i do believe i will get headed out to see what this day will bring and trust that my friends and peers have my best interest in mind.

∞ DT ∞