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most of my fellow members are doing their level best to live by the spiritual principles that we learn in the program. as i looked over my past blogs on this topic, i am struck about the little variance i find in the seeds for my writing. trusting others, and learning to be trustworthy myself, always seems to bring up the same sort of automatic response. anger over someone betraying my trust, disappointment in me betraying the trust of another, or the choir boy singing the party line. my current working theory is that i am so fVcking rigid at times, especially when a tried and true topic comes into my e-mail box, that i may be incapable of thinking outside of the parameters that i have set around some issues. with that in mind, let name get the automatic crap out of the way to see if i can go somewhere else this morning.
while using i learned that trusting people opened me up for pain and disappointment. after all, when i saw an opening, i was quick to jump on it, when the opportunity was presented to me. i used these little chinks in the armor of others to my advantage and as a result assumed that everyone else did the same. the rule was never give a sucker an even break, and make sure i was not a sucker in the interim. this observation was so reinforced time and time again, that when i finally came to recovery, and when i finally came to the place i was willing to surrender to the principles of the program, i was incapable of violating this credo. to tell the truth, it was a very lonely stint, and when i finally started opening up i was hurt often enough that i was ready to return to living by that rule of active addiction. bit by bit, i accepted that the risks in trusting my fellow members were worth taking because the rewards when they worked out were incredible -- relationships based on something more than getting and using and finding the means to use more. there are days when i still feel betrayed and some of those who i feel are betraying me, are members who have more time and in my opinion because of that should be further along in their spiritual program. that is the expectation that brings me back to the top. of course that WILL ALWAYS lead to a resentment. human beings as a species are notoriously unreliable, while recovery does soften that tendency, it does not remove it. i am where i am in my spiritual program, despite the number of days, weeks, months or years clean. just as i often fail to live up to the spiritual principles of our fellowship, i NEED to allow them to be human and forgive them for being human. bit by bit, those tendencies are replaced by a program of active recovery, and this addict is not by any means close to being canonized into some sort of saint. that leads me to the conclusion that what i think are ulterior motives, may not be. those behaviors just may be all they know. just as i get more fit applying a program of active physical activity, so i get more spiritually fit walking the program of recovery i have been given. yes clean time is a wonderful gift, but today i do not want to waste it by paying lip service to the very principles that i have been given the opportunity to live by today. others may scheme and lurk in the shadows, i understand that, as i am just as apt to do so myself. others may betray my trust, as i betray them also. the HOPE here is, that if i do my level best, and i want to, i NEED to assume that they too, are doing their level best, to live up to the principles of recovery. it is my filter and not their actions that i can change, and i can only change that filter by allowing myself the FREEDOM to recover, just for today.
i do not know if i stepped out of this box, but i feel renewed in some sense after this random brain drain. i can walk forward into this morning being more than i was yesterday, and on that note i think i will jump into the shower and hit the keyboard running as the mixed metaphor goes. it is a GREAT DAY TO BE CLEAN!

∞ DT ∞