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in our shared purpose almost feels like some sort of Kum-By-Yah reading, all touchy and feelie and i am not that sort of person. when i got into the source material and allowed myself to let go of my first impressions, i saw what the reading was really talking about. what was that, one might ask. well once i opened my mind, what i heard was that my ideas and beliefs about what the purpose of the fellowship may be, and how to best work towards that purpose, may have weight and be valid, but they are not sole arbiter of what needs to be done, to move the fellowship, locally, and globally, forward. i am not the end-all, be-all of how to do this gig and certainly not on how to keep bringing in new members. it is more than ironic that i was just speaking about something similar last night to one of the men that call me their sponsor. i suggested that when i am rigid in my beliefs, i am less than open-minded to the reality around me. when that reality fails to conform to the expectations i may have, based on my belief system, i get all sorts of weirded out and have to look at what needs to change

• my perception of reality
OR
• my system of beliefs

chances are, it is my beliefs that may need a bit of adjusting, as in my world view there is no such thing as “alternative truth”
he has also asked me to write a letter to the courts, stating why i think he needs to be sentenced to treatment rather than being warehoused in the prison system. i have been ducking that question for the past few weeks, choosing not to consider it at all. in my experience, any letters i have written about men i have sponsored while in custody, did very little to foster their success in becoming citizens. in fact, each and every one of those men have ended-up re-offending and re-entering the prison. what bubbled up this morning, as i sat, is the question of how the fVck does that reflect back on me, after all i am powerless over what they choose to do, as well as their addiction. i may have been played by them manipulated into seeing something that was not there. if that is the case, than it is just humiliation and embarrassment that i am feeling and that is my own stuff. after eliminating the path those men took from consideration, what i am left with is whether or not my current sponsee is shining me on, or is he sincere in his desire to live a program of recovery, just for today. if it is the latter, i certainly can write a letter saying that he is more likely to succeed in becoming a member of society through a treatment program, rather than incarceration. it is therefore, incumbent upon me, to allow myself the freedom to feel my way towards the answer.
with that on the top of my mind, it is time to catch-up with my normally scheduled events and get out to the streets for my work-out. i ve=certainly do not know what is best for others, my fellowship or even myself in all situations, BUT just for today, i can let go of what i think i know and allow a fact or four to penetrate into that morass of bias, prejudice, knowledge and wisdom, i call myself and see what comes out.

∞ DT ∞