Blog entry for:

to even one human being, the secret side of my life becomes more powerful. one of my faves, the whole secrets and defects grow in the dark and fade in the light of day reading. actually there is probably at least one more reading in a similar vein in the book, but that really is not all that important this morning. so yes, trusting AT LEAST one person with all my darkness, is a good thing to do, but as usual i heard something else as read this entry. what struck me more than the whole trust issue, which trust me, is a HUGE thing for me, was the consequences of being less than totally honest. "honesty? i hear you say, scratching your head, what the in the sam hill are you talking about?"
what i am talking about is the conversation that goes on between my ears when i uncover, discover or just stumble upon, some part of me, that is less than savory or even downright dark and dirty. this sort thing occurs less often these days, but it still does, and my natural or perhaps unnatural reaction to finding one of these sh!t nuggets, is to run and hide. after all, what if someone else happens to discover this out about, how will i look, will they still have any respect for me. will they be able to look at me with anything but disgust and distaste. the FEAR that consumes me is overwhelming, and if allowed to continue, would certainly create some distance between myself and the lifestyle of recovery that i have come to enjoy.
my solution, as the reading so aptly suggests, is to man up and let at least one person know what is going on inside of me. when i choose that person well, there has never been a problem with rejection or judgment. when i choose poorly, well that feeds the whole FEAR thing and the next time i start this process i am even more reluctant to have the slightest bit of courage. it is a good thing, that i have already chosen well, as my sponsor is certainly a person to whom i can entrust those parts of me that i would rather hide in the dark. even better, he can provide me some suggestions on how to live with and surrender these little gems to the recovery process. as a result of my sharing oi GET to recover yet another day, i GET to be freed from self-obsession and i GET to learn how to integrate one more part of me into the whole person i am becoming.
all of these gifts from the sharing of a single fact -- what a deal! so on that note, i think i will go walk the dog and see if i can get a bit more energy for this beautiful day.

∞ DT ∞