Blog entry for:

the secrets that have kept me apart from and feed the lie that i am somehow **different** than my peers in recovery? well i could start with **once upon a time,** and while that may be fitting, the fact of the matter is that time is NOW and not some sort of distant past memory from what seems a previous life. in fact the other night, as one of my peers was rattling off the drama and trauma of their life in early recovery, i was pondering the nature of my TENTH STEP and lost track of the chain of events they were regaling the group with, as it seemed to go on and on and on and on . in fact, more than once i wanted to say: ”shut the f*ck up and go see your therapist as there really does not seem to be any message in the mess you are sharing.“ this was one of the times, when i lost my compassion for those who arrived at the meeting in the “druggie buggy,” and of course it ended up on my new and improved TENTH STEP that evening. i like to keep this attitude on the down-low, as i do not want to “seem” uncaring and less than spiritually fit.
the fact that even in the moment i realized that i had moved from acceptance to intolerance, did not hinder the judge, jury and executioner from condemning my peer to a life where they would never, ever get any recovery. the litany of those reason s is long and far from pretty and yet in those seven to ten minutes, i laid that indictment all out in my head. the only good thing about my behavior, was that i kept it quiet an did not share my opinion with anyone. time and again, i have offered my opinion, when it was not asked for and very rarely was it appreciated. in fact, more times than not, i have to go back and do the corrective action that is part and parcel of the TENTH STEP. it is not as if i have not grown a bit of kindness and compassion as i have stayed clean. it is not as if i am guided by some sort of “demonic invisible hand” into behaving in a manner that is less than stellar. i have choices today and i CHOSE to condemn my peer, because what they were sharing was deemed “unacceptable” to me.
i could go on, berating and disparaging myself over an event that happened thirty-six hours ago, OR i can move along. although the former fits who i am a bit better, the latter is what i CHOOSE to do today. as i get towards the end of writing about the notion of freeing myself from the prison of my secrets, i can see that the nature of what i keep on the down-low today is quite a bit different than what i once FEARED to reveal. does that demonstrate personal growth or just the inertia of doing the next right thing, most of the time, without considering the fact that no one else is watching? dunno and furthermore, just for right now, do not care. what i do know is that there is work for me to do fro my employer and musing about the whys and wherefores will not get me any closer to pounding out what they expect me to do today. it is a good day to tour the neighborhood with the dawg and get this body moving, before i go back to work.

∞ DT ∞