Blog entry for:

cause me more harm than good when i keep them completely to myself. my secret today? now that i am going to an office every day, i really have a problem working from home. i miss the social interaction. it will be my last day of working from home, so no bigs, in fact, this will probably be a very long day of work.
for me, the FIFTH STEP was certainly a relief, and it always seems that no matter what iteration it is through the steps for me, there is always something i was keeping from others, secrets that were holding me back. ironically, i just got an e-mail from one of the facilities that i take our message to, and someone i respect greatly did not pass the background check. that is the second volunteer that failed to make it through their vetting process and neither one of them, are exactly what i call the criminal type anymore. their past, just like mine, sometimes never goes away, as i was also rejected at first to be a part of this service effort.
today, i accept that i am a product of my past experiences, the sum of all those experiences does not define me anymore. yes there are ghosts in my past, stuff i did, that i would prefer never be found out. all of that stuff, has been shared by me, to one of my tree sponsors, and more than likely my current sponsor. that man, the keeper of my secrets as it were, has shown me the way to live beyond my secrets and allow myself to be defined by what i am doing today. yes another touch of irony here. one of the men i sponsor, keeps harping on me about what he is doing today, and even though he makes bad choices and continues to suffer the consequences, he really is not a bad man. he would love to have the past put behind him, but lacks the ability to do so. what he is showing me, is that by allowing myself to be defined by my past, i miss the opportunity to grow in the here and now. i do not want to be known as a service junkie, a dilettante, a spiritual giant, a recovery Nazi or a bumper sticker addict. i have been all of those in my past, or at least attempted to look like some of those in the past. no today, what i want to be known as is, an addict in recovery. a man who loves his fellowship, respects his peers and does his level best to carry these principles out to the world in all my affairs.
i do not want to be defined by that which causes me secret shame. i do not want to be defined by those things that i would rather not have anyone else know. no i want to be beyond definitions, however ludicrous or impossible that sounds. which brings me back to the top, what i choose to keep secret, will define me, because i believe that i am getting away with something. so as i wrap this set of random thoughts up and change over to go to work, i am feeling ready to be so much more that i was yesterday and yes part of that is to be kind, patient and loving to Daisy, our rescue pup, who is just starting to warm up to me.

∞ DT ∞