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beware, i have the time and the inclination to really go down a certain path this morning. although i cannot often predict where the mostly random process of writing will take me, there are days when it feels like i have a lot to say. today, is one of those, so fair warning before you board this particular train of thought.
i heard another addict sharing not long ago, how they found the term “defects of character” was ‘distasteful’ to them. i wanted to jump up there and then and say, OF COURSE THAT TERM IS DISTASTEFUL, THIS IS ABOUT THE STUFF THAT NEEDS TO BE REMOVED. i am , however, better than that today and of the opinion that this whole softening the blow about the truth is one of the problems that riddles our fellowship today. i am old enough in recovery to remember a harsher, crueler time, when the members said what they meant in no uncertain terms and the effects that language had on me. truthfully, it pissed me off. and yet i kept coming back. part of what kept me coming back was that they told me in distinctly and vividly what i was, what MY problem is, and what would happen should i choose a different path. now having dabbled in that sort of method, i am more convinced than i was before, the TRUTH is what i need to tell, and the TRUTH without the padding of politically correct niceties. i wanted to tell my most recent sponsee that going back to the person he used with last, would more than likely take him out. i did not, so at least, IF he makes it back, there will be no “i told you so” for him to hear from my lips.
defects are just that, parts of my being that have been so warped by active addiction, that they are no longer functioning in a manner that is conducive to my health: spiritually, emotionally and physically. why is it that some people have such a difficult time accepting that as fact. when i get to exercise them in the darkness of isolation or under the covers of shame, they only become more powerful and further entrenched. why in the name of any sanity would i want those parts of me, as well as the secrets that acting on them create, to have any additional power over me? i have a way out of the shame of what i was, and to not avail myself to that path seems like such a fVckin nutz thing to do, a glaring symptom of my insanity.
one may ask, why i am so passionate about this topic and they would be in their right mind to do so. one of my defects of character, in fact the ONE that cause most of my shameful behavior and generates more than enough of it's share of horrific secrets, is my need to look perfect. it is all about appearances for me, and this has bitten in the butt more than once. where does it come form? the feeling deep down inside that i am not ever good enough at anything, so unless i polish up my image i will never get anything i desire. step work and the process of active recovery has certainly helped to tone down that part of me, actively sharing about the consequences of acting out on this particular DEFECT and not being laughed out of the room, has removed much of it's power over me. ongoing recovery and the POWER that fuels my recovery has given me FAITH in the process that makes the less and less important over time, and yet it persists and probably will until the day i die. i can tell you, that fact is enough of a kick in the butt to keep working steps. that part of me is being reshaped into it's original shape AND AS A RESULT BEING REMOVED. had someone, anyone allowed me the easier softer way, it would have taken me much longer to how destructive and powerful this part of me was, and given me permission to keep it a secret along with all the results of acting out on this DEFECT.
to be clear, if you desire a softer blow, be my guest, all i am saying that for me, as a garden variety addict who chooses a path of active recovery, softening the blow has not and probably will not ever work for me. i accept that the path to recovery has many twists and turns and mine is not the same as anyone else's. so of what i have written makes you feel judged talk to your sponsor. if what i have written makes you angry, talk to your sponsor. in any case talk to your sponsor, as you are giving me way too much power, and i DO know what happens when i give away my power, i end up in toxic and twisted relationships, BUT i look REAL GOOD!
today it is about feeling better and not looking better and i have the opportunity to actually do something about it right here and right now, so it is off to the streets for a long and more than likely brutal run. after all, i do deserve it!

∞ DT ∞