Blog entry for:

in my life.
it is interesting that i am even getting to write this, this morning. interesting in the sense, that i did not think i would have the time, nor the desire to do so, before heading out for my little bit of a journey this morning. no i woke up earlier than planned had the desire to get up and get out, and here i am, writing about disarming the secrets in my life.
i often wonder, what it is, about keeping stuff secret that gives me such a thrill. honestly, it is not like anything that i keep on the down-low, is something that would “ruin” if it got found out. there is however, for me, a certain thrill in “getting away” with something, and just as a good addict often does, i cultivate that thrill, because i LIKE the way it makes me feel. so i understand how secrets, no matter how small or inconsequential they may seem to me, may be the gateway to the road to perdition. not that much different than that one of something totally legal, once i get the feeling, i want to chase that feeling. the chase continues downhill from there, into the abyss of where i once was.
what is it that i am getting away with today? you know, when i go there, it is mostly casting judgements and forming opinions. a year ago, it was the p[ath my spirituality was taking and how it looked like i would never pray again. i reveled in the fact i was so different than my peers. i thought i had new found freedom from the cultural ties that were keeping me in the “sheeple” mode, and was certain that i would probably no longer be in the fellowship, when this clean date anniversary rolled around. that excitement was tempered by the FEAR of what i was becoming and where it might lead. i was pretty sure i was going to become a recovery thief, who only showed up on his clean date, and the clean date of the few men who were still calling me their sponsor. i have more than enough examples of that behavior to emulate, and with my different look on how the POWER that fuels my recovery, is part of my recovery, it seemed i was doomed to that existence. practicing these principles only when i was in the full light of exposure, and choosing to act any way i wanted to, after all it is just bidness, when i was not. ironically that journey took a 90° turn and here i sit, more sane than usual with my clean date approaching and ready to head on down south to take care of some bidness, myself.
so no secrets to spill here and now. i do have places to be, so i will finish this up with the notion that, just for today i can be open about who and what i am, life i better when i am not hanging out in a bar or dispensary.

∞ DT ∞