Blog entry for:

more harm than good, when i keep stuff on the down-low. yeah, i get that, but even in this little exercise in mind-dumpery, i hardly reveal all that is really going on with me, and today will be no different. as i slide towards another clean date anniversary, i get the feeling that what i feel happening inside is a huge change at how i see myself and my relationship with the world around me. i may still be a social retard, suddenly, however, i feel i may have actually “arrived.” this morning, as i amble my way towards getting ready to work, i have reached the point where if someone does or does not read this, i do not care. i write this for me, and by posting it on the internet, i have a semi-permanent record of my journey over the past years. what it also means is that when i am out and about, i can stop taking responsibility for how others see me. i am who i am and tomorrow i may be someone different regardless it is no big deal.
as i suffered through my 10K this morning, what kept coming up was why was i pushing myself so hard. i have dropped the weight and inches i wanted to. i have reached a level of fitness where i am comfortable doing stuff, like hiking, with my friends. i feel healthy and energetic most of the time and am awake and present for most of what is going on around me. i know there are some in my life who do not like me for one reason or another, real or imagined. most of the time, it is because i would not get trapped in the corner they were pushing me into. it is not unlike my fitness program. i started walking because it was a way to earn a thousand dollars from my company, free money so to speak, all i had to do is take care of myself. today, i maintain my fitness program because i get results and in the long run, it will benefit me. i work a program of active recovery, because i am pleased with the results, i have a life worth living and being fit for. when i put the two of those together, i can see that continuing to push myself physically ads well as spiritually, will more than likely continue to net the results i desire, and in this case, perhaps desire is not such a bad thing.
what secrets am i holding back? well i still feel a bit of guilty pleasure when i see one of my peers struggling with the slights they imagine i inflicted upon them. watching them turn red and the veins on their neck stick out when i share what is on my heart, gives me a little jolt of joy. yes i am still sick and this is certainly a symptom of that dis-ease. just for today i can be okay knowing that i still seek power over others, or at least enjoy the fact that they may give me power over them. i also realize that i can be better than that and move along, which i will do right here and right now.

∞ DT ∞