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it simply suggests that my secrets cause me more harm than good when i keep them completely to myself. the loophole hunter that i am, this particular reading was one that i latched on to. BECAUSE it did not say that i had to share all my secrets with any ONE person, and seemed to allow me to skip past stuff on my 4TH step when i was working the 5TH step with my sponsor. after all, this reading seemed to say that as long as i told someone, i was safe.
as i have lived a program, i have found that, for me anyhow, having one person know all that there is to know about me, is a state that i desire these days. that one person, who happens to be my sponsor, then can guide me through whatever it is i am going through and lead me to the other side, BECAUSE of the knowledge he has of who i was.
as i ponder this deeper this morning and let go of what my original plan was, i become ever more certain that the things that still exist within me that cause me to feel shame, only do so, because i give them that power. yes once again, i come back to POWER. it seems to be a theme that is ingrained within me, and as i walk the path of recovery, i see more and more every day, how power and my HIGHER POWER are deeply entwined in who i am and what i am becoming. ever since my first day of being more than abstinent, it has always been about power, and me grabbing all the power i could get and grasping it as tightly as humanly possible, of course this was just an extension of my life in active addiction, where i denied being powerless by manipulating events and circumstances so that i could gain power over others. as the FIRST STEP started to take hold, every fiber in my being fought against the notion that i lacked any power, in fact, being a cross-fellowshipper allowed me the freedom to hang on to that little lie far longer than was healthy for me. after all, i already had evidence that i was not powerless over any substance or substances, especially the one substance that the fellowship i originally attached myself to had as its primary focus. after all, i really did not like drinking that much, it was too slow, it left me feeling too bad the next day, and i hated being sloppy, which was where i always ended up. so as long as i was a hyphenated member of more than one fellowship, i was safe from having to ever admit i was powerless. that almost killed me!
sitting here today, i realize that secret was one that i held on to for quite some time. in fact it was a secret to me, until the past few years. although step work nibbled at this around the edges and addressed it moire than once head-on, the part of me i call addiction always managed to deflect any direct attack on revealing that particular nugget of denial and reservation. seeing that today, does not actually reveal any deep dark shameful secret, but it does allow me to see my actions in quite a different light and place the focus back upon me, rather than on others. i can see today that my anger toward those who i deem as sicker than i am, goes directly to this. after all, if i am not as sick, that perhaps i am not really powerless over addiction, after all the evidence is that i am NOT powerless over the use of substances. since i have power there, and as i have been clean over 12 years, it does add up to that fact, i DO have power over the use of substances, HOWEVER, and here is where everything explodes in my face, that power comes from outside of me and as i can see this morning is a gift of a HIGHER POWER, a power greater than the force of my addiction, and a POWER that counteracts the poisonous power within me.
so it goes, for this addict, the eternal struggle between what i know and believe and what i want to believe. my only ally in this battle is a POWER greater than myself, that provides me the people and the program to allow me to live free from active addiction today. whether those people are helpers or object lessons, it is irrelevant, they are part of the grace i have today, to choose to live in recovery or return the life of active addiction. the path between is a narrow strip of life that consists only of the hours before i sleep tonight. i live in the grace of that here and now, and hope to once again awaken to morrow and return to that state, which is not that far removed from reality. so it is off to complete my morning at home, before i catch-up with what i could not get completed yesterday. it is a good day to be on this side of the dirt and i am getting better all the time.

∞ DT ∞