Blog entry for:

adding this positive truth to the often negative facts i find about myself in an inventory, i begin to behave differently.
well a bit of grammar change there, i know, it really is not that much better, however it puts it into a more active voice, and this morning i feel like being active instead of passive. the truth is, that my normal weekend work of just s futz or two, will not be part of the plan today. once i write this, and get my run in, i will be working until meeting time tonight. why all the hustle and bustle? i am trying to clear the decks for some time away, and i mean really away, no phone, very minimal work and lots of soaking, relaxing and spending time with my honey. to do so, i have some stuff that NEEDS to be accomplished, some stuff that will be nice to accomplish, and some stuff i do not want on my desktop when i get back, other than sending out the bills!
so enough about what is happening in the mundane physical world and more into what is happening inside me, on the spiritual plane. although i am not quite sure of what the spiritual awakening is, that i have been going through, at least not quite yet, i am feeling this morning that it is fast coming to its conclusion, and all i need to do is to slow down a bit and allow myself to feel what has changed. well, for the next two days, slowing down is not an option, after that, well slowing down is all i am going to do for the rest of the week. you know what i still have yet to get around to the topic. for some reason i am avoiding this topic.
this is one of those readings, that strikes me emotionally differently than it sounds to my intellect. intellectually, it is a no-brainer that as i find positive behavior in my life i will feel better about myself. millions of dollars have been made by self-help authors telling the masses this very thing, and perhaps that is why emotionally this whole idea of positive reinforcement through examples of better behavior therapy via the recovery process, feels sort of hokey and canned to me. it feels artificial and forced, sort of like me staring in a mirror telling myself what a good person i am. do not get me wrong, for others the whole positive self-talk, and building self-esteem by focusing on the positive in life, work and i am not here to dismiss them as viable techniques. in fact i use a very modified part of affirmations in my own life -- when i find myself applying labels to myself that are negative, i change that label to something more positive.
i can also argue that, it is the part of me i call my addiction that is crying out to fight this process. after all, that part of me thrives when i live in the negative, and actually looks forward to inventories, with a sort of sick glee. i may not be a masochist, but if i put myself into enough pain, i will seek a manner to relieve that pain. so the cycle goes on and on, ad infinitum! the trick here, is to separate out what it is i am really feeling and how it applies to me. does this reading really make me feel like one of the unwashed masses falling for every little new mind game that is coming down the pike, because i am unwilling to take responsibility for my emotional and spiritual growth. or is this a sophisticated and subtle argument the addict within is using to separate me from the pack and from doing what is right? and the BIG question does it really matter? i understand that i NEED to see evidence of growth and change in order to continue to walk down this path, so adding the positive things i do on a daily basis to my inventory is not a bad idea at all, and will hardly change me into one of the brainwashed millions who jump on the latest and greatest self-help techniques that is being hyped in the mass media. i accept that i already have a path to better self-esteem, it is called the 12 Steps, and i accept full responsibility for doing what i can to walk that path and continue the changes that have been manifest in me, since i started walking this path. it is through that process and the massed knowledge of those who have gone before me in this recovery gig, that will allow me to feel better about who i am, and as a result behave better when out in the world in general, then feeling better because i am noticing i am behaving better and so on. so i guess i am back whee i started and the time to run has come upon me. it is after all, time to take care of myself, i spent far too much time destroying myself in the past, so here and now i refuse to be a party to that sort of behavior again.
off to the races i go.

∞ DT ∞