Blog entry for:

to be kind, feels as if it should be something i automagically make, rather than having to think about it. what bubbled up from the depths this morning was the notion that i am exhausted **trying** to be kind, instead of just being kind. i know that this year of my recovery has certainly been one for the books and i am much better off, for having to live through it, clean. all of that, however, does not assuage my feelings of being “picked on” by some malevolent power. my reaction to that feeling, is a very familiar one, spread my pain out, by making others feel as miserable as i am, and the target of that behavior, probably does not deserve it, as they did the best they could with what they had. it is up to me to feel what i may be feeling and allow myself the freedom to move past the pain and anguish the events of the past year have wrought.
the irony of this, is for the most part, i am kind to strangers and harbor no ill will, even for those who seem to act in contempt and disrespect for the world in general. i also am feeling the pressure to do something and before that pressure builds up to much, i may take it into my own hands to at least prepare for the actions i need to take. of course the flip side of that, is that it is draft week in my Fantasy Football league and in Fantasy Football i am far from spiritual. my competitive nature boils over and i become a fanatic to get mine, even if it means tromping over others as strive to get theirs. to balance my life once again, i feel the need to do some reading, some mock drafts, some work for my employer and a bit of letting go of what i think i am “owed.” this morning with that thought on the top of my mind, i think it is time to hit the streets and get some miles under my belt.

∞ DT ∞