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and my thoughts will follow. yes the reading does suggest that if i act sane, i may actually become more sane, or at least something similar to that notion. not really, but some days that particular notion slides into if i “behave” as if i was a “normal” person, i will become one. the next piece of that then becomes, if i become a “normal” then i will use like i am one and will no longer need the program of recovery, that has brought me to this place in my life. i6t is amazing that even with a few days clean, i can spot the loopholes in some of the basic premises that i accepted way back when. well maybe not all that surprising, as i have seen all sorts of people, addicts and possible addicts, float in and out of the rooms, across the course of my recovery. even a bit more disconcerting, is that as i move further away from the last time i used, these sort of notions occur with greater regularity. the part of me i call addiction sees the result of the chain of my daily reprieves from active addiction as a destination and not a journey and begins to weigh the possibilities that maybe i am not really an addict. great work when i can get it 😜!
what comes to mind when i hear such nonsense, is that the reason i can act like a “normal” person, is BECAUSE i live a program. i am quite certain that those who are not addicts, do not consider what it is like to use like a “normal” person. i could be wrong, but the consequences of trying to disprove my theory are ones that i do not wish to face today. life for this addict, really is better on two legs.
moving specifically to the reading topic of behaving my way to better thinking, i have observed that when i make an effort to behave better, such as learning to take other people's feelings and ideas intro consideration, i start to think in a less selfish and self-obsessed manner. the same event occurs when i act less impulsively or <GASP> needy. when i accept responsibility for who i am and what i do, i develop the sense of self-esteem that i so sorely lacked way back when. the process is even more enhanced when i stop making excuses, generating rationalizations or falling into the trap of ̶i am only a human and an addict to boot!” while all of that is true, i do not need to make it my default go-to excuse. when i stumble, i own it and resolve to avoid that trap next time. i do not act as-if i meant to do that or blow it off.
i live in the real world today and as one of my favorite groups has said: “it's more fun when you don't give a fVck!” well i give one, but it is not so much about how i look, rather how i feel; and today, i feel good.
it is after all a great day to be alive and kicking and to be clean.

∞ DT ∞