Blog entry for:

i know that in the reading that was a statement and not a question but being the independent rebel without a clue that i am, it started me down a path that could only be described as speculative at best.
so here i sit this morning thing about how to behave my way into better thinking, when i realized that was not at all what the reading said to me this morning. GAWD HOW EMBARASSING, here i was all ready to go into the whole, if i act better i will think better, spiel and i discover that is not at all what i feel. what the reading did speak to me about was looking at my positive side, when i decide to take an inventory and that if i balance the "bad" with the "good" i will feel better about who i am and as a result may actually treat others better. so it is all about looking at what is really happening rather than what the part of me i call my disease wants me to see. after all, i can always be a victim to that part of me, and there are places i can go to whine about being a victim to my disease and truthfully if i feel victimized i probably will take it out on who ever is readily at hand -- ARGHHHHHHH!
if i feel trapped by the consequences of the decisions i have made, i will do what ever i can to share that feeling with those around me -- the first thing that comes to mind is to take a hostage. and believe me, i am quite good at identifying and procuring willing hostages even after some time clean.
if i feel shamed by my secrets, i will probably shame someone else by reminding them of their shameful secrets. and this list could go on and on and on and on and on!
what this list is illustrative of, is that when i choose to see what is good in me and my day to day behaviors, i begin to feel better about myself. and when i feel better about myself, i may not treat others any better but i certainly am not tempted to act-out in any of the myriad of ways in the list i just started, and as a result the default is those i encounter are treated better by me. not treating people like the shit i feel i am is treating them better. so when i practice the principle of humility, especially in my daily inventory, then i have a less negative influence on the world. so in the long run it is behaving my way into better thinking!

∞ DT ∞