Blog entry for:

reactions, and motives. always a great topic for me to think about. this morning, i am whole lot more balanced, as my 11TH STEP met all my expectations. four miles with the dawg was a bit more painful than i desired, but i think i am ready to roll through my two days of climbing, even if i am hosed up the rest of the week. so all in all, i am certainly “feeling good” this morning.
the reaction i had to the meeting and what was shared yesterday, showed up on my 10TH STEP last night. what came to me, as i “listened” is that maybe, just maybe, i am not as “sane” as i think i am, as i approach my clean date anniversary. am i in denial, or is it juts that the chaos i felt is just under the surface, bubbling along and erupting every now and again, rather than constantly spurting the ooze of addiction? as i sat this morning, that topic bubbled up once again and the conclusion i came to, was to give myself a break, take a breath and allow the human part of me to show. whining about how i not this or that, will never suffice to bring me back to a state of what i am. in fact, as the reading suggests, it will carry me further down the road into the spinning swirl of remorse and self-loathing, a place i choose not to be, today.
what i also “heard” was not to sweep what i am feeling under a carpet of excuse, rationalizations or spiritual camouflage. own what i feel and allow myself to feel it, then move on, choosing a path that either leads to action and choice, rather than one of automatic reaction and chaos. the fact that what others are sharing is driving me to distraction seems to point in the direction of me seeing myself as not living up to our exceeding my expectations, hence the “finger” is pointing back in my direction. wanting myself to be more than i am, is a very familiar behavior and one that drives me to distraction.
the rest of this day? well, i have my Fantasy Football draft coming up, i need to make a trip up to my parent's house to see how they are doing, perhaps allow time to get a haircut and deal with some of the local community work i avoided doing yesterday. all of that can certainly affect my balance and serenity, if i allow it do so. as i step through what may be and allow it to happen without me “controlling” it, my 3RD STREP will sustain me and allow me to be better than i think i am, as i certainly feel better than i think i look, just for today.

∞ DT ∞