Blog entry for:

feeling good.
so sometimes this whole idea of doing something good, because it will make me feel good, seems a bit counter-intuitive, after all, i am here still because i USED in order to change my feelings. yes as one of my peers would point out, this appears to be a loophole. when i came around, one of the most puzzling concepts for me to grasp, was behaving my way into better thinking. doing the next right thing because it will make me feel better, instead of for its own sake, seems like i am cheating the system. i could go on, but then i realize that there probably is no real altruism, except for a few of those saintly human types, of which i am not a member. i can be at peace knowing that regardless of my subconscious motive, when i choose to something good, it will make me feel good, even if no one else really knows. yes, doing the next right thing, without any expectations of return, is certainly not a bad goal to strive for, and you know what, when i look at it in that light, i can be okay with this whole notion.
the other theme this brings up, is FREEDOM from the comparison and expectations of where i “should” be, that this portion of my annual cycle takes me to. when i consider my behavior these days, i can see quite clearly that i am doing much better than when i walked into the rooms, much better than when i finally became a member and even better than i was a year ago. this reading reminds me that the yardstick is not about what i could become, but rather but what i have become today. the key for me surviving my crazy season, is looking back at what i was, and looking forward to see how far i have advanced from that point in time. yes i know, i just crapped all over the just for today of being here and now, but one cannot create an omelet without cracking a few eggs.
when i got here i was incapable of caring for anyone but me and what i though i NEEDED. even as i started this current set of steps, i had come to the conclusion that i was so broken that i had only a finite capacity to give and receive love, and was even certain that i had reached that limit. i know now, that both of those states were a symptom of the part of me i call addiction, ruling who and what i saw myself as. part of becoming whole, at least for me, is that i show who i am today, to anyone who cares to see it. what one sees is what one gets, most of the time. yes i still hide in the shadows from time to time, or blaze over everyone in some sort of conceited blinding light, that is however, part of who i am today and as i progress along the path i have been following, i am quite certain that those behaviors as well as the other less than stellar tendencies i exhibit, will be put into place or removed, by the process of recovery and the POWER that fuels my recovery.
anyhow, time to roll on out to somewhere a bit different and get the next task of my day done. it is a great day to do something good, even if it is just to feel a bit better.

∞ DT ∞