Blog entry for:

my thoughts will follow.
altering the way i think through doing behaving better, certainly a concept that smacks of superstition. it would be, there is this whole field called behavioral science and psychology, that time and again has proven that conditioning through conscious altering of physical actions, does change the subject. whether it is positive or negative reinforcement, it works, so why not here in recovery as well?
the evidence i have, which admittedly is filtered through the strong filter of grateful recovery, is that for me, when i act kind, i feel kind. when i feel kind, well the serotonin cascade just goes on from there. true, it is hardly the effect of one good dose, but the same sort of feedback cycle is set-up. i feel better, i can attribute it to a behavior or choice, so i do it again, strengthening the connection and allowing me to become a better me.
this reading is always apt for me, as i approach the end of my annual recovery cycle, as i seem to focus on how sick i still am, how vile and pernicious i can be, instead of the progress i have made since making the decision to stay clean, for reals, all those days ago. yes, i want to shout from the rooftops how bad i am in one breath, than how great i am in the next. the swing between those two states is something that plagues me still.
this morning, i am actually feeling pretty good about where i am in my life. i have been paid, i get a three day weekend as a prelude to a week long holiday, as my co-workers across the pond would say, in Mexico and i have enough money to take care of all my financial responsibilities before jetting off for fun in the sun. yes, all of that is nice, but what is nicer, is today i do not see myself as vile and pernicious, i am not the slime for the video, i am certainly on the path to becoming the man i have always wanted to be. with that though on my fingers, as it were, i do believe i will sign-off and hit the next task on my responsibility parade today, get my 5 day project complete! it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞