Blog entry for:

to the **negative** facts, revealed in my daily inventory, may allow me to see that i am doing **better** than i think.
as a person who has been doing this recovery gig for a minute or so, i often neglect that parts of my day when i behave well. i have come to expect that behaving as a decent human being, should be my new normal and being an a$$hole piece of shite, should be the exception. for the most part that is true for this addict and as a result my daily inventory usually focuses on the parts of my day, that were less than stellar. when i get to readings, such as this, that use value judgements, i get struck in more than a bit of a quandary: what exactly is the difference between “truths” and “facts” and by what standard do i rate one or the other as “positive” or “negative”? what on the surface appears to be a straight forward comparison, has now been twisted in an exercise that now will consume far more cycles than i actually need and in actuality, “good” is NOT a feeling!
my foil to this cycle of over-thinking and over-analyzing my daily life, is NOT to classify my feelings or my behaviors as good, bad or indifferent, rather to accept that all of them are a mixed bag and my motives are far from as pure as the driven snow. my goal today, is to seek balance in my life, and doing so does not mean i act out, just to balance all the “positive” actions i take in a day. what i see my inventory as, is a check-in with myself and everything is up for evaluation. were my so-called “positive” behaviors part of being who i am, or were they an attempt to manipulate outcomes, opinions and attitudes of those around me. as one can see, a simple daily inventory, can be complicated by this addict, until it is no longer worth the effort to practice taking one. the fact is, i have been clean for a bit of time and for the most part there is very little in my daily actions that requires me to go back and admit being wrong about. that is a “positive” truth. behaving my way to better thinking is the result of my recovery journey and when i consider how i behaved “back in the day” i am amazed i am sitting where i am today. it is a testament to the power of the recovery process i embrace and the strength of the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. after all, one could have never seen this coming!
stepping away as i come to the end. i did manage to make all 14,060 feet above sea level yesterday. i am sore and tired still today, but my first fitness goal has been achieved. this goal does not come with a monetary reward, the only reward that i get today, is the satisfaction that a hike that once beat me down, has been conquered and i am anxious to attempt another one, before the snow flies. whether or not that will come to fruition, is beyond me right now, i do know that this morning, i feel grateful that i could accomplish something that once eluded me.

∞ DT ∞