Blog entry for:

more often than not, i find that i am been doing better than i have been feeling.
before i get started, yes i did step work with my sponsor yesterday, and yes i feel much better as a result. i am a bit puzzled though, no not about what we talked about, although our conversation was more abstract than ever before. what puzzles me was the reaction i got from a newer member to our local fellowship who has decades clean. he asked me how i was, and i said i felt much better after talking to my sponsor, just like it always happens, and he said “well it is good you have some sort of Higher Power.”
that last statement bothered last night, but not enough for me to ask him what he meant, and as i ponder on it this morning, i am still puzzled by what he meant, but because i lacked the presence of mind in the her and now to ask, i do believe i will let it go and move on. after all, i was stating a fact, step work with my sponsor, ALWAYS makes me feel better, yesterday was no exception to that rule, it is true that my head is spinning with the ideas and concepts we explored yesterday, but all in all, i feel safely ensconced in STEP TWO and am ready to look at what needs to be looked at.
this may seem to be tangential to the topic i started, doing better than i am feeling, however with a little work this can go directly to the heart of that topic and spin in some of what i learned yesterday as well. one of the things my sponsor said, was that i was far to rigid and hard on myself. even though this is improving as i continue my journey through the step cycle, i see and understand that it is true. as a result, i tend to take that out on those around me, who i deem in need of some cold hard fact checking. when i add the positive aspects of my day to day living into the mix, i can see that i am not nearly as hard as i think i should or could be. adding the good stuff into my look at how well i am walking the path to becoming the man i have always wanted to be is a task that i can quite easily accomplish,m with very little effort on my part, and i am certain the results would help me with my current assignment, namely describing the face of my current definition of sanity, or better put, what i want my current vision of sanity to look like. i am the one that limits the growth i can achieve in a cycle of steps, and as i work and yes rework the steps, i see more and more who i can become, and less and less of the man that i was when i finally surrendered to recovery.
as i get ready to wrap this up this morning, i am not certain i have merged these two disparate thoughts into a single cogent concept, i have however, i am coming to see that the only way i will become less hard on myself and less rigid is to continue to be desirous of the change that the steps bring to me. i do have that desire today, and with that thought in mind, it is time to take the dawg out for his marathon workout. it is a wonderful day to be clean today.

∞ DT ∞