Blog entry for:

so i have been wondering in this exercise as well in meetings, why i have had an extra measure of serenity, in my normally **crazy days** leading up to my clean date. the reading this morning certainly strongly suggests that since i have stopped being pissed off at my co-worker and accepted that they require a bit more gentle guidance, that it is reflected in how i am feeling. it seems i have acted my way into better thinking and i am GETTING the reward in the form of some internal peace and quiet. i am not sure how long either state will last, me being kinder to my co-worker or my inner serenity and i am not about to just stop doing what i have doing, just to find out. i may be curious, but i am not an idiot, and if something seems to be working, why stop?
my fitness program may also me a source of inner peace for me as well. while i walk, i do my bets to “turn off” the inner conversation and the fantasies of what i would do if money fell into my lap. when i lapse into the quiet of not thinking, by making that conscious choice, i walk faster and my poor dawg gets a bit extra as well. getting fitter has paid off in lots of ways, but certainly is starting to show on my my gut and “man boobs.” i may not be sleeping any better and my massage sessions seem to be getting a bit more intense, but as i physically change, i also seem to be “getting” some inner peace from that as well, as now my body is starting to match the image i have in my head. thinner, less round and perhaps a bit less dour and grumpy. one of the nice parts about how i building this new body is i am not becoming something i am not. having ginormous muscles is not how i see myself and when i see the pictures that one of my FaceBook friends posts of themselves, i have to wonder what it is they are compensating for, as they seem to have gone from fat and flabby to hard-body in a very brief period of time. i could venture an opinion, but today the kinder and gentler me will let that one go.
which brings me to what popped to the top of the stack as i sat this morning, namely the fact that i am finally beginning to see myself as someone worthy of getting rid of his partial denture. i certainly could go to my grave with that dental appliance in, as hardly anyone knows i have it. i decided the other day, that i need not “settle” for being lass than i am, and getting rid of that, permanently is an indication i no longer need to settle. the sharing at the meeting last night, seemed to go to taking care of ourselves through practicing better dentistry. my peers and i, at least in that slice of time, are making stride to retain what teeth we have left and correct the damage we inflicted upon ourselves in active addiction. i would not have even gone to talk to someone about implants a year ago, but now i have an appointment to get the whole ball rolling. moving forward today, perhaps i can find other ways to be kinder and gentler to myself and allow others to be who they will be. that is certainly a goal worthy of the person i am becoming, just for today.

∞ DT ∞