doing better than i think
Posted: Mon, Aug 30, 2004 04:47:42 AM
i am in a bit of a funk lately and it always seems to happen this time of year. as my clean date anniversary approaches, i think back and reflect on what i was feeling and who i was the last two weeks before starting the journey through recovery.
i was a fraud, taking tokens of continuous clean time, telling everyone that i had 6 months clean, and sharing as if i really knew something. the walls of denial were starting to crumble, and reality was starting to set in. this however was not enough to allow me to start recovery, i still had to use and was sentenced to going to meetings. i was miserable, i could not use without hiding and i refused to let anyone in on what was going on.
i am not that way today, but this link to my past, while reminding me of where i came from, still makes me feel as if nothing has changed.
yes i have not used for the longest period of time since i started using at 15. yes i have people in my life that believe i have made some progress. yes i have allowed the process to work. and yet even this evidence fails to lift the cloud. this morning's just for today reading is an excellent reminder that i can act my way into better thinking, all i have to do is let it.
somewhere, i got the notion that i have to be perfect and after this length of recovery i should be some sort of, oh i don't know, spiritual giant, with my character defects gone, acting and thinking on a spiritual basis constantly, never causing any harm or chaos.
this belief has never been validated by anyone i have worked with nor is it in our literature anywhere. so that leads me to the conclusion that i am either fVcked, or my disease is working under the surface to sabotage the entire process. the latter is the most probable answer to my dilemma, so once again the disease of addiction has an upper hand. once again i must surrender to the fact that i am powerless over my addiction and that my life is unmanageable as a result and once again i must have the HOPE that GOD can and will restore me to sanity if i get out of self-will and allow GOD to work in my life.
the answer is almost too simple for me to accept on anything but an emotional level, so i guess that now is the time to let my instincts and feelings work for me.
-- DT --
i was a fraud, taking tokens of continuous clean time, telling everyone that i had 6 months clean, and sharing as if i really knew something. the walls of denial were starting to crumble, and reality was starting to set in. this however was not enough to allow me to start recovery, i still had to use and was sentenced to going to meetings. i was miserable, i could not use without hiding and i refused to let anyone in on what was going on.
i am not that way today, but this link to my past, while reminding me of where i came from, still makes me feel as if nothing has changed.
yes i have not used for the longest period of time since i started using at 15. yes i have people in my life that believe i have made some progress. yes i have allowed the process to work. and yet even this evidence fails to lift the cloud. this morning's just for today reading is an excellent reminder that i can act my way into better thinking, all i have to do is let it.
somewhere, i got the notion that i have to be perfect and after this length of recovery i should be some sort of, oh i don't know, spiritual giant, with my character defects gone, acting and thinking on a spiritual basis constantly, never causing any harm or chaos.
this belief has never been validated by anyone i have worked with nor is it in our literature anywhere. so that leads me to the conclusion that i am either fVcked, or my disease is working under the surface to sabotage the entire process. the latter is the most probable answer to my dilemma, so once again the disease of addiction has an upper hand. once again i must surrender to the fact that i am powerless over my addiction and that my life is unmanageable as a result and once again i must have the HOPE that GOD can and will restore me to sanity if i get out of self-will and allow GOD to work in my life.
the answer is almost too simple for me to accept on anything but an emotional level, so i guess that now is the time to let my instincts and feelings work for me.
-- DT --