โ as the glow of early recovery began to fade, and i started to see โ
Posted: Wed, Sep 9, 2009 08:39:55 AM
the human side of my fellowship friends and sponsor, i was crushed and disillusioned. these recovering addicts are not perfect after all! how can i possibly trust them anymore?
yes i had an unrealistic view of some of the members way back when, in fact some of that view has only faded away over the past fourteen months as i moved through my step cycle. what i thought was possible, just because someone was in the program, i found to be beyond their reach and ken., and as a result of their human failings as well as mine. relationships had to be sacrificed, for my own spiritual growth. okay, i can hear you now, thinking what a nice juicy rationalization (LIE), using human frailties as an excuse for not repairing a relationship. casting the blame to everywhere except to where it belongs, on me. quite honestly, i am to blame for the lack of the repair of these relationships, i accept that and here is why. it is my growth and my demands of a participant in the sort of relationships i desire that is holding this repair process back. i get that, and yet i know better than to compromise in this case. compromise will only return me to the state i was in, and as much as i long for what i had, i know that it was unhealthy and downright toxic to me as an individual. frankly i am worth more than that today. nostalgia aside, maintaining boundaries is what i am about these days, and i knew that growth in my demands on my relationships would not be painless, nor without a casualty or two. the real irony here? the major authority relationships i have in my life, my sponse, my parents and my clients have improved as a result of finding my worth and living up to that worth.
so where do i go from here? well out for a walk with the dawg, and into a life where the possibility of having real and equal relationships with these, oh so flawed humans, that my life depends upon. it is after all, what i desire today, and i have a feeling that as long as i keep doing what i have been doing, it will be what i desire tomorrow and beyond. because i too, as am flawed as the rest of the people in my life, and i am thankful for that as well, it would be tough to be a saint in this particular city!
yes i had an unrealistic view of some of the members way back when, in fact some of that view has only faded away over the past fourteen months as i moved through my step cycle. what i thought was possible, just because someone was in the program, i found to be beyond their reach and ken., and as a result of their human failings as well as mine. relationships had to be sacrificed, for my own spiritual growth. okay, i can hear you now, thinking what a nice juicy rationalization (LIE), using human frailties as an excuse for not repairing a relationship. casting the blame to everywhere except to where it belongs, on me. quite honestly, i am to blame for the lack of the repair of these relationships, i accept that and here is why. it is my growth and my demands of a participant in the sort of relationships i desire that is holding this repair process back. i get that, and yet i know better than to compromise in this case. compromise will only return me to the state i was in, and as much as i long for what i had, i know that it was unhealthy and downright toxic to me as an individual. frankly i am worth more than that today. nostalgia aside, maintaining boundaries is what i am about these days, and i knew that growth in my demands on my relationships would not be painless, nor without a casualty or two. the real irony here? the major authority relationships i have in my life, my sponse, my parents and my clients have improved as a result of finding my worth and living up to that worth.
so where do i go from here? well out for a walk with the dawg, and into a life where the possibility of having real and equal relationships with these, oh so flawed humans, that my life depends upon. it is after all, what i desire today, and i have a feeling that as long as i keep doing what i have been doing, it will be what i desire tomorrow and beyond. because i too, as am flawed as the rest of the people in my life, and i am thankful for that as well, it would be tough to be a saint in this particular city!
∞ DT ∞