Blog entry for:

the addicts that i depend upon to live, are neither completely bad nor completely good, they are just recovering addicts doing their best to stay clean, one day at a time.
ENOUGH SAID, CU 2morrow!
one more thing, a bit of bidness:

Tina B,
well one more year of doing it
'Just For Today'
Thank you for being here for 28 years

where do i go from here? well as i was listening for ideas of how top change my routine today, as well as all the other stuff i want to hear about form the POWER that fuels my recovery, i kept coming back to the idea of how many times i have heard from the men i sponsor, how those in the fellowship failed to live up to their expectations, and on that tangent, i found within myself a similar thread, i DO have expectations of those addicts who are a part of my life. the ironic part of that last statement is, i can hardly expect myself to live to those expectations. somewhere i got the notion, that clean time may not equal recovery, but it SHOULD count for something and that something is better behavior ALL THE FVCKING TIME, especially when i am in the presence of my peers in recovery.
just to be clear -- my peers are those members of the fellowship who have a desire to stay clean today and are doing THEIR best to live the program of recovery, just as it is written.
so if i cannot meet my own expectations, how can i expect someone with 90 days to live up to them, much ;less someone with more than three decades clean? the truth is, this is a reservation, and one that i can stumble across time and again. the amazing part, is it has yet to take me out.
this is how this story goes:

• i have all this clean time
• and i am behaving badly
• so let me look for HOPE from those members weho have more clean time
• hey they are doing the same crap
• i guess this recovery gig is not going to work
• so i might as well see if time was the answer, and i can use like the other 85%, NOW

so perfectly reasonable, defensible and rational, that i can swallow it without a single spoon of sugar!
today, i see the fallacy is that logic, i started with a flawed assumption, hence the fatal error and not merely a warning. that assumption?
staying clean and working an active program of recovery, at any level, changes one from being human and an addict, into something else, something perfect and something so spiritual, one might call them a saint or even an angel.
yes, working an active program of recovery and staying clean, day after day, does change me. i become closer to the man and person i have always wanted to be, but nowhere does it say in our literature or what anyone has read from between the lines, that i will ever be anything but another addict. yes i will be clean, and yes if i keep doing this gig, i will get closer to my ideal of the man and person i want to be, but i will fall short and accepting that, while still striving to affect that metamorphosis is where the HOPE is today. just because i cannot, does not mean that i have to stop trying. after all Sisyphus, still pushes that rock up the hill, even though he knows what will happen when he nears the top. he is defined by his task, and i can be defined by mine. just for today, i am an addict who is doing his best to become the man and person he has always wanted to be, by living the recovery program that i have been given.
so it is off to the streets, for another Sisyphean task, as i will never be a competitive runner either! ;)

∞ DT ∞