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my true self resides, is somewhere between hero and zero. in my experience, it has taken a very long minute to even begin to remain in that spot for very long. i understand living in the pendulum world, where i swing between the best and the worst on a constant basis. one of the gifts i have received as a result of staying clean, and living a program of active recovery, is i have mostly got off that particular joy ride. oh sure, i can once again go there, as the pain of living in that manner is familiar and the payoff is that i get to be a “victim” of addiction, all over again.
one of the lines in the reading that really jumped out and grabbed me by the cajones was: “nor do we overindulge in denigrating who we "used to be" when we were using.” for the longest time, the only way i could feel self-worth and self respect was by focusing on the very worst of the worst of my life in active addiction. as human as i am now, i was just as human back in the day, i just had a bit different outlook on life about what i was owed, what i worth and how i was going to get it. today, i know what i am worth and how deserving i am of being respectful of myself and seeing my past as an accumulation of experiences that allows me to live in freedom today. where i used to look down on the person i was in those days, to boost my self-esteem, today i no longer require that sort of contrast to be okay with who i happen to be. comparing myself to the man who walked into the rooms, while sometimes very illuminating, has become an activity that really has no payoff for me, even as i approach another anniversary of my clean date.
as i peek at who i am today, i happen to like living in place of humility. although one of the men i sponsor, has often said when i share that i may be living in humility, i am not there ant more, not unlike telling everyone about the good deed i did when no one saw me. my life today may be far from perfect and the past year has been fraught with some enormous ups and downs. when all is said and done, at least in the here and now, the fact that i stayed clean and true to myself and my recovery program, speaks volumes about the person, human as ever, into which i have been transformed. it is a good day to be clean and better day to allow myself the freedom tom just be.

∞ DT ∞